Mutual Satisfaction

What happens when you can’t agree?

Hmmm….

Depends.

Done with entry.

…

…

Okay, maybe there’s more to it than that, but it does depend.

Okay let’s make some folks up because I gotta make folks up or else somebody gets pissy. So this is safe and keeps my ass from hearing the nagging.

You, yeah you, that’s easy and Jessie are in disagreement. Let’s say You are the secondary and Jessie is the primary other, not your lover. ( I chose this because this is usually the most complicated scenario.)

Jessie has said no on a request. She’s said no a lot of times and you are fucking frustrated because Jessie is ALWAYS getting what she wants. Chris, your shared lover, hasn’t really stepped in at all, doesn’t want to, feels safer off in the corner. You are left on your own with Jessie. Jessie is pimping around because primaries get to that because they have all the power.

Um, okay…sure they do. Let me ask Jessie this. You get what you want all the time. You never let the secondary have anything. Chris gets mad and the secondary gets mad. Then what?

Maybe you’re okay with the mad, but are you okay when you don’t get to have your fun, when Chris starts saying no I don’t want you to do that? Becoming too irritable, when the mad starts getting in your way? What about needing something from the second? You think it’s going to happen again and again when you’re treating them like this? What about the strength of the entire fucking relationship? Do you not care?

Primaries have an illusion of absolute power. Some really, really need it to feel secure in the poly relationship. Some Primaries can’t really handle sharing, they may only be doing it as a quid pro quo, basically they want their cookies too and if they want to get them, they gotta let their primary partner have their own. Cookies may be lovers, maybe any thing.

What am I getting at?

There is no such thing as absolute power, not even in the D/s or kink formed poly relationship. There is no such thing unless the one who holds the power doesn’t give a damn about individual well being of those involved or the well being of the entire unit.

The key to ANY relationship, be it polyamorous, monogamous, business or family is….


MUTUAL SATISFACTION

That’s right kids, everybody has to be happy in order for any type of relationship to work. Accepting this concept will lead you to great rewards in your poly relationship, but it’s also going to lead you to the underlying concept of poly relationships…

NO ONE HAS ABSOLUTE POWER

Satisfaction pulls in all directions. It pulls at everyone involved and it forces compromise and indulgence at a constant rate to maintain the balance of mutual satisfaction. The tension may be loose or tight, it depends on everyone’s needs and how they interplay, but if you cannot grasp this one simple concept then kiss your relationship goodbye and dear primaries of the world…

STICK YOUR POWER GRAB UP YOUR ASS.

Really. That’s harsh. I know you’re insecure, but sugars of the world, everyone is insecure. Everyone has something to lose. Everyone is putting out to get anything in the relationship. Everybody has to understand this and stop treating poly like a combat sport.

Women need to leave the warfare behind or you’re never going to be happy.

That goes for you too, dudes. Men are just as whacked as women sometimes.

Do you get what I’m saying though? Mutual satisfaction requires compromise, indulgence and most of all, a communal spirit. For gods sake you’re sharing pussy and cock, how much more fucking communal can you get than that?


Basically in the scenario above Jessie has to think about why she is constantly denying. Is it for the good of the whole? Does it not work out because of time, finances or some other kind of resource? (If it’s these kinds of reason, make sure you make it known.)

Or is Jessie just being a bitch? Is she trying to get revenge for some long ago spite? (Did Jessie even communicate that past issue? Is everyone going WTF? because Jessie didn’t spill the beans?)

You know, we shouldn’t just pick on Jessie. We all need to ask ourselves these questions when the situation comes up. We also need to pay attention to what we’re doing. We need to be vigilant about our actions in case there is poor communication.

WHAT? I have to pay attention to them? Hell no!!!!!

I’m not asking you to go overboard and take notes and hold personal committees on what others may say or feel, but I am asking that you pay attention to their responses, look for patterns, look for signs of problems, etc.

I am NOT asking to assume what those things mean, but to talk when you notice something amiss. Yeah, I know, you know, but you don’t really know it as well as you think. I don’t. Nobody does because we have interference called egos, life, friends, family, jobs and a lot of other noise that gets in the way.

I’m not trying to put anyone down or say they can’t do this. I am saying that we must be aware and in the routines of our days that awareness can become disconnected. In the end though we have to remember what makes a poly relationship successful.

Group Communication.
The Group Goal of Success.

And the concept of…

Mutual Satisfaction.

You’ll need to break down what these things mean. Get a detail of the overall picture because poly is too complicated for an overview to take care of it all. You need to dive in, smiling, happy, wide eyed and ready to play.

It’s work, but it’s all fun. Think about it? More love, more sex, more emotional support, maybe more financial support, a sense of family, a sense of having someone on your team!


Who’s got your back?!?! Who’s on your side?!?!?!

They are. You all are, if you play by the rules and remember Mutual Satisfaction.



© 2009

Best.....Links and Stuff

The Best of 2005




Hey again! I’ve been getting a lot of comments recently and thanks so much for them by the way. I don’t get paid to do this and comments are pretty much all I get for it. Anyway, one commenter (Potgrrl) asked for links for newbies.

I thought about that, thinking there are archives on the side, but then I thought not all of them pertain to others. Some of them are just me talking about my latest…uh whatevers. ( I really don’t remember.)

Anyways, I decided to do a page of links, but there are a few years to shuffle through so this page is a “best of” for 2005. Most of them have something in them for the community at large. They also have a lot of grammatical errors. I’m really going to have to take care of that one of these days…….

So, they are listed by month and I will post a few of these and end it with a super best of one of these days and maybe take some time to create a link to that….oh where does the time go? On, I suppose…..

Again, thanks for all the support and Mark is your aka your BlogSpot? I guess it would be easy for me to find out if I just checked. *smiles*





August 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/suddenly-poly.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/coming-out-brief-look.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/life-compartments-and-limited-love.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/part-time-love.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/08/are-you-poly-material.html

September 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/exclusion-from-within.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/quality-vs-quantity.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/language-barriers.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/09/as-long-as-it-takes.html

October 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/lost-in-translation-or-if-i-had-known.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/all-this-poly-stuff.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/poly-sensibilities.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/10/intimate-words.html

November 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/11/communication-breakdown.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/11/i-am-who-i-am.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/11/again-and-again-and-again.html

December 2005

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/fuck-yes-t-shirt-no.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/poly-specifics-or-specifically.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/inside-or-out.html

http://polygrrl.blogspot.com/2005/12/closer.html

Had I.......

I try to think back to the first days and what I needed back then. I needed to feel safe. I didn’t feel safe because I felt as if I were being judged for every little thing I did. I felt insecure in my smiles, what I offered, and who I was supposed to be. I felt as if there was a place holder for me, but what shape I would take remained to be seen.

A part of that insecurity was lack of communication. At the onset, Margo and I were kept apart. I think now that was because Margo was having a much harder time with the polyamory than I’d realized. I think later I would see that though Margo may have been honest with Wayne, she wasn’t honest with me. At some point I think we forged a bond, but I can’t ever say it was truly a strong one. There was compersion….I remember getting to the point of having that.

Is that anyone’s fault? Not really. Margo and Wayne were falling a part. She was already speaking of leaving him. I should have known, but I was desperate for them to make it work. I can’t say why really other than I knew that it would kill Wayne not to have his family. I’m not saying the idea didn’t hurt Margo, but the truth of the matter my loyalty was first to him before it was to her. It had to be. It was the structure of our relationship.

I had guilt in that for a long, long time. I see now that it was silly to have ever felt that way.

So, in the beginning things were hard. We had many, many, breakthroughs in the middle of feeling like everything was going to fall a part. I think a lot of people start this and think it will be easy or it will be fine. They say I know what I should be doing or what I want to be done not really understanding that each partner brings about different circumstances.

We can never use the same playbook. We can get a better idea of where to start, but we can’t mimic the past because there is always something different, including you. You are not the same as you were ten years ago…not even as you were a year ago.

I’ve been thinking if I had to do it all over again what would I change? What would I need to make it easier on me?

1) I would be more honest. I would bite the bullet and take the hits of my honesty.


I trained everyone into an expectation of my behaviour. When I was ready to break fee of it, it was hard and I had to blast my way out of it. Everyone had to relearn how to deal with me as I had to learn to deal with everyone else.

It’s easy to say all of this in retrospect. I had no idea what I wanted from the relationship back then. I had no idea of what even needed. But I needed to be more honest with myself and with everyone around me.

2) I would ask for more.

I never asked for much at first. I was happy for any little morsel I received. I cherished every second I got. I loved and adored the time I had with Wayne, but I never had enough. I spent a lot of lonely nights crying. I took in a lot of pain simply because I wouldn’t ask for more. I was so afraid of being judged for wanting more and more afraid of being denied.

3) I would accept denial and criticism as part of the growing process.

This is very hard. Above I mentioned fear of denial. I thought if I was denied once then I would be denied again and again and again. I assumed far too much without asking. You cannot know anything without communication. Without knowing you create your own hell then start blaming others for your own thoughts. That’s all YOU, no one else and YOU are the one being unfair to those around you.

Criticism is hard to take, but we all need it from time to time. It takes strength to withstand it and if you have none of it , it takes the desire for a successful relationship to get past it.

We are all imperfect. We are all pieces of an imperfect puzzle. Perfection varies. We do not have to fit perfectly together to work. There is no real perfect, in the sense that a relationship is happy, shiny and wonderful without work.

It takes work, a lot of mother fucking hard work and a lot of mother fucking hurt feelings, harsh words and pain to get to the point where realistic perfection is obtained.


I know I make it sound like a romp through hell when all it might be is a really big BBQ. I’m not telling you that it’s going to be absolutely shitful, but I am telling you that everyone involved needs to lower the expectations of progress and happiness because we tend to expect too much too soon in poly.

4) If I were to go into it today, I would change my expectations.

How you know what to expect? Expectations can be high and low. Mine were very high. Because I was told that a married couple had talked it over and did their research and decided to be poly, I thought I would just walk in and everything would be okay. (In terms of how she felt.)

It wasn’t.

Have I ever told you that the first time I met Margo faced to face she screamed at me, told me I wasn’t pretty, and a bunch of other horrible things? Did I ever tell you I stormed out of their house in tears? That I parked and cried and cried because I knew I loved Wayne, but I thought she hated me so much that it would never work?

Apparently I went back, that same day, within fifteen minutes. I decided that she was far more angry at the situation than at me. I decided that the only way to make this work was to stand up to the tempest. I put on a fucking raincoat and we spent the day taking action to make things better.

It was hard. I still cringe when I think about it.

It wasn’t what I expected and that day changed my expectations for the worse. I never heard Wayne’s phone ring without worrying that something was wrong. I don’t know how long it took before having Margo call didn’t send me into emotional worry.

I never told her that. I don’t know why. (Fear?)

What I’m getting at is expectations can be good and bad and can lead to both god and bad. Maybe if you remove the word expectation and replace it with assume your bulb will go off because we all know we should never assume anything about anyone until we talk it out.

5) Communicate more, ah the classic.

I think I tried to communicate to the best of my ability. I think we all did. What got in the way was fear. Fear gets in the way of everything. It can change our wording, let things slide, get something ignored. Anything that is does is bad when it leads to poor communication.

But you know what the hell is communication?

Let’s think about that…

Is communication me saying something to you and you hearing it? Or is it me saying something and you understanding it? If you say you understand something I’m trying to convey, can we be sure about it?

I can tell you right now that hearing it isn’t enough. Some of you are going to read this entry and not understand what the fuck I’m talking about. Some of you will think you got it and do the exact opposite. I’ll never know because we’ll never interact. How will you know if you’re communicating well? The best we can do is for the person you’re talking to come back at you with what you said.

That’s right, repeat in their own words what they think you’ve said.

A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G but needed in circumstances where people don’t communicate well.

Fuck I’ve seen it in action. I’ve even seen someone repeat what was said and the two leave thinking they were understood. I think the person doing the original communicating forgot that they had to listen to and not assume that what was being repeated was correct.

But communication is more than just the concept of speaking and being understood. It’s telling everything that needs to be told.

I may be angry at you and tell you that I am, but maybe I never tell you why I am hurt or why it affects me so deeply. Maybe I left out that a week ago you did the same thing and a week before that you had done it again. I may forget to tell the breadth of your actions, the depth of my pain and the full reason behind it.

Why?

I may not understand it myself. I may not want to start too much trouble. I may think I can’t bring it up because it was so far in the past. I may simply be afraid…

Fear, we have to look at what we’re afraid of. It never goes away until we confront it.

Oh and there’s body language…

Fuck.

Communication is hard. Really fucking hard. It’s why we come back to it again and again and again because it’s such a complicated act and we put too little effort in it and take for granted that it’s simple. It’s not. You’re not. I’m not. We need to work on it.

So, that’s just a short hint of what I’d do if I were to start it all over again. I think I will come back to this concept again and see how things have changed from initial response to the retrospective response.

Anyway, hoping all is well and that you are living large and lovin like only you can.

Jealousy and Other News

“I couldn’t be poly because I get jealous. I’m so amazed that you can do that.”

I smiled. “I do get jealous.”

My friend seemed shocked that jealousy occurs in polyamory. She is one of the few people who know about me and my lifestyle and all this time she thought I was of some higher form of being. Not get jealous? Really?


It amazes me that many people seem to think that not getting jealous is a requirement of polyamory. It’s not. Successful poly isn’t about repressing emotion, but learning to deal with them in a healthy manner. That more than anything brings us to a higher plane of being.


But anyone can learn to deal with life better than how they are right now.


Recent months has seen my life change a lot. There have been some major, major things afoot and some minor ones to boot. Polyamory has been the last thing on the list and so has this blog.


One, the major thing about this blog has seriously changed.


Me.


I have written a post for this blog several times wanting to explain the major changes in my life. I worried again and again how it would come across, how would you perceive it and would you listen to me afterwards. You know I once told someone or tried to tell someone covertly that they didn’t need to carry the Poly flag, that they should let the relationship go and move on. Stop trying to save something you can’t.

They didn’t listen because they couldn’t hear or see. They were too caught up in their own world to look outside themselves. This is often the case in times of stress.

Anyway, so the big news? You guessed it. Wayne and I are a twosome. Margo and he divorced and she is off with Ramone, Doug, whatever the hell was I calling him? It’s been in the works for ages. Wayne finally moved in with me last year. It was a trial by fire and in the end it’s working out for the best because no one should keep something going that needs to end. It’s not healthy for anyone. It just causes more pain and more pain in one’s life is not needed.

One day, when I’m ready, I might post those several entries I didn’t post about this subject. I just wanted you to know that we’re living monogamously at the moment, but plan to remain poly.

So, I’ll be a second become primary. I hope that makes me a really, really good primary. I hope so because I’ll know what it’s like to enter into an established household.



So back to this jealousy thing.



I told my friend that jealousy happens all of the time. It’s a given. I told her you can’t control how you feel about things. Jealousy occurs out of no where and can be very strong at times. The key difference is that poly folk know that their lovers have someone else. So there is no betrayal involved, at least not in the cheating sense.

But there can be a sense of territory over say, a certain restaurant, a special way of doing something. I recall a certain sexual toy being reserved for just one of us, but not the other. (Not a vibe so get your bio-germ selves out of a hissy of “Of Course”).

The latter was easy to deal with. It was negotiated that the toy was meant for one person and no one else. It’s the surprises that catch you off guard and can cause a lot of drama in the household.

I know of a friend who loved a particular restaurant. She went there all of the time with her lover. Then one day they stopped going. She just got tired of it. Months passed and this woman and her lover hadn’t gone in over a year. The lover took another woman to that same restaurant. My friend threw a fit of epic proportions. “That’s our place!!!!!!!” There was this big fight, a what-to-do-pow-wow and finally it all got settled.

Funny thing about that, is that my friend has yet to go back to that restaurant. She’s still bored with it and now she thinks she’s silly for her reaction, but at the time it seemed legitimate.


All jealousy seems legitimate and reasonable at the time. It really fucking does.


In terms of monogamy, we can possibly get jealous and move on. It may not be right to do so, but the monogamous couple only has each other in mind. Poly is different. We have to look at all involved as fairly as we can and those of us having the jealous reaction really have to ask why and was it a knee-jerk reaction that we can get over? I mean should my friend bar her lover from ever gong to that restaurant with someone else? Is that really fair? Is that where she wants to lay down her gauntlet?

What’s worth fighting over? What’s worth digging in our heels for?

Some of the things we fight over are petty. Some are not. I think we all have to think hard as to what is and isn’t worth creating chaos in the house for. Are those feelings really worth it? And probably the real question is this:


What is the real problem?


I don’t think my friend was really worried about the restaurant. She may have been worried that her lover was getting closer to his new girl. Her insecurity surfaced from the restaurant deal, but my guesses are they would have surfaced somewhere else.

My friend took the time to think about her reaction. Her lover took the time to listen and not ridicule her feelings. (He thought it was stupid of her.) The two of them communicated then the three of them communicated and it worked out.

So the next time something happens think beyond the incident, think beyond the surface. Jealousy usually has more depth that which movie was seen or which restaurant was gone too.






P.S. If you want to ask me anything about anything, just e-mail me.

A Quickie Nothing Update

Wow, I just came by to check things out and realized that I haven’t written a single post for 2009. It’s almost March and shit…You’d think I’d have something to say to start of the new year.

I guess at this point it’s more like crawling into the new year.

There hasn’t been much going on, not lately. Though really, there have been some major life changes. I wrote about it when it initially occurred, but some interested parties did not like it. So, that original post lasted “on air” for about 4 hours. Since then, I’ve been going over how to say what I want, get my feelings across,what I want, etc.

I find that complete honesty will be hard. What I have to say some don’t want to hear. Maybe you don’t want to hear it either, but I know interested parties won’t want to. So, I’ve written umm……a few versions and each has been tossed into the can.

Funny how honesty isn’t always easy. Not even delving into poly and forcing yourself and others involved to choke it down seems to make it any easier.

Anyway, that’s were I am. Caught in a “Should I or shouldn’t I?” kind of thing. Or maybe it’s not a matter of should, but how?

I don’t know. It’s so hard to say and maybe all of this means I’m just not ready to talk about things and maybe the things I need to talk about aren’t ready either.

Maybe I’m making things way tooooooo complicated.

Yeah, maybe. I don’t care at the moment, though. I just know life is so much better than it has been. My world is getting brighter, things are changing for the best, everyone involved seems to be happier than they once were. It just took a couple of steps to make it so.

Hmmm, maybe I’m making you wonder. Hell, I know I am. All this can be the great mystery of the year. You know, you probably already know. You just don’t want to say you know because there’s this little, itty, bitty, part of you saying, “Nah, that’s not it.”

You might be right.

It may not be it.

That’s all I got to say for now, a lot of nothing. I will get back to you on all the changes, the mysteries, the better than whats and keep on keeping on. I hope all is well in your poly worlds and that you understand that sometimes to be happy, you have to make some hard choices.

Love ya!!!!

Why 2009

Here’s you New Year’s question:

Why the fuck are you poly?

Yeah, that’s kind of a rowdy way to put it, but really why are you?

Let me think of some of the things I’ve heard…

I want a relationship, but I don’t want to have the level of commitment a one on one relationship requires. I like the somewhat distant relationship I have. Not that it isn’t intimate, but that…

I love them both equally and I can’t choose. They like each other. It works.

It kind of just happened.

We have always thought of having additional relationships, after we worked on our primary one.

My Master wanted it.

It’s what we do and we love it.

I can’t see limiting myself to one person. I won’t cheat. This is honest.

I haven’t been able to find a one on one relationship that works for me, but this does.

I fell in love with someone who was attached and…

There are far more why’s out there, but let me ask you this? Are any of the above good enough in the why department? It’s hard to really connect to why anyone is poly. It seems to start out as a kinky thing or a swinging thing or maybe…..a little dissatisfaction with the primary relationship?

Yeah, I know I am hitting on some touchy buttons. Polyamory doesn’t like to be linked in with anything potentially dysfunctional. Some poly folk are hard core kinksters and others want nothing to do with it. Some poly people will balk at the idea that they are swingers at all and my god, dissatisfied with the primary relationship???!!!!?// GODS NO!!!!!!!

Uh….okay.

I will agree that there are actually some well grounded primary relationships who want additional relationships to explore intimate interactions beyond the societal prescription. I have no doubts that there are many, many sound relationships flourishing in polyamory. I also have no doubt that there are many fucked ones as well.

Sorry folks, being poly doesn’t make your relationship more noble than any other. You’re just poly, that’s it. And unfortunately for everyone who is doing it “right” there are just as many doing it “wrong”.

Why?

Because that is the nature of relationships. We all have made bad choices, poor decisions and so forth. Each relationship, poly or not, stands on its own. Each has its own reasons for why, its own reasons for flourishing or disintegrating and I’m here to say none is really better than another. That’s not what I am after. My right is your wrong and vice versa. To each his own, etc. What I really want to know is why?

Why do something that is much harder? Why put ourselves through the mixer when we don’t have to? Why go this route? Why push against the grain and do this at all?

I went the poly route because I didn’t truly understand what I was getting into. I’m not sure any of us really, really do. We have an idea of what it is. We know that there is more than one person involved. We get that feelings will get hurt. We understand that there will be some level of integration, even for those who choose to be “distant” in their poly.

I am kinky. Let me get that out there if I haven’t before. My poly relationship started out as your standard wife doesn’t want to go “that far” into it thing. I’ve seen it tons of times, now anyway. Then, I hadn’t really.

And I really thought the relationship wouldn’t last. I really thought the wife would grow tired of it, he’d get his rocks off, whatever. In the mean time I’d gain some cool experiences to write about.

I had no fucking idea that I’d still be with him today. Or that our relationship would evolve into something quite different. I’ll tell you about it when I’m ready, but not just yet.

So, my why was kinky in essence and became something that we worked on and tired our damndest to make a real poly family.

That’s hard. Keeping it kinky would have been more simple. But you know, making a family is always harder than “keeping it simple”. Commitment, time, resources, all that stuff are big deals to add to the simple soup. It gets complicated. Then we start talking about living arrangements, children, money……all that relationship stuff.

Hey you know, I just wanted to have a good time. I had no idea that I’d find the love of my life.

Basically my initial “why” had none of the “love all” crap in it. I wasn’t thinking about multiple love or trying to make a statement. I was just thinking about the moment, me and what I wanted then. I had no thoughts about the future.

In retrospect, I think it would have been better to think a few steps ahead. Life would have been totally easier. I think.

Nah, it would have been rough no matter what because people, even with the best intentions, get territorial and insecure.

Anyway, I think it’s best if we tear down the why of our poly to the purest form it is. If you can rip it apart, not hide any truths from yourself and be completely honest then you will make it that much easier on you.

Hmmm, maybe you are insecure and don’t think you can find anything else? If that’s the case you should work on your self-esteem. You’ll need it to make you better for you and for those who love you.

Perhaps you are a horny fucker and need lots of poon-tang? Fine, but be honest with your partners. They need to know that you want to keep it “simple” and don’t want committed relationships beyond the booty call.

You are weary of your relationship and want to spice it up? This happens. Work on the primary relationship first, adding others at this point puts them through the grinder and only bandages, not heals the core problem. (And is very selfish.)

Your ego needs the feed? No, you probably won’t admit this to yourself or anyone else. But yeah, your main reason for poly is having them fight over you and you be in total control. I don’t see this type of poly lasting a long time, but maybe if you discover this about yourself you’ll stop putting you and your loved ones through so much shit. Or you can find the right co-dependents to help you out? (Insert rant here.)

You’re bi and want one of each? Oh to find the hot bi-babe!!!!! She exists, but she seems to be always taken. *smiles* You can find her!!!!!! Or have fun trying!!!!!

You love him/her and it’s what they want? No one will stop you. Just make sure you can handle it and DO NOT, sell yourself short. If you do this make sure you get your needs met. If you don’t, you’ll slowly wither and wonder what went wrong.

You want multiple interactions because it simply feels right? You understand that it might be hard. You might make mistakes, but you and those you choose are committed to making it work. You will find your way and in the end, even if it ends, you’ll be all the richer for having had the experience and your life being touched by people you love.


Got any more why’s you know of? Want to share? E-mail me at polygrrl@yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous unless otherwise stated by you.



Oh and Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Red Lights, ZIngers and Zowies

Yesterday was an odd Monday morning. I suppose not so odd as far as Monday mornings go. I had the car for the first time in a long time and was re-experiencing the sensation of control. Or so I told myself as through out my morning commute other drivers conveyed that stopping at red lights wasn’t the law of the road, merely suggestions.

That got me to thinking about poly.

There are many, many rules to poly. You start your relationships and there are all these guidelines. Thou shalt….Thou shalt not……and so forth.

It’s actually quite cumbersome, especially when many of these rules are made up as we go along.

But making the rules isn’t my point. It’s following them.

How many of your poly rules do you actually follow? How many times have you come across a situation and told yourself you should really do this or that and you don’t?

I think it happens more often than not.

Now, I’m not talking about Wednesdays belong to Harold and Fridays you have to be home by 9 so that Charlotte can get to her dance class on time. Those kinds of rules are easy to follow, like stopping at red lights should be. I’m talking about the other rules, the ones where there is confrontation involved.

Yeah, I managed to sneak in yet another post on communication. It’s amazing how many times we can revisit this topic and still not get it. Sometimes, you have to see a picture at every angle to really get the depth of it. Consider this yet another angle on that sometimes tiring topic, communication.

Let’s start with communicating when something bothers you. That’s simple right? Charlotte says something snarky and you say “Hey Charlotte, that was fucked.” And of course Charlotte apologizes and all is well.

Sorry, I think I just flipped over to some kind of fantasy world.

Okay, maybe Charlotte is not a total raving bitch. Maybe she is someone who will just accept your issues and you can all move along. Maybe you’re the exact same way. We’ll even pretend that both you and Charlotte are super special and never get your panties in a twist about anything.

Now that that’s over lets get back to reality.

Charlotte is a bitch. She tries not to be. She doesn’t even realize she is. She’s at the top of the heap, standing tall in her primary station. She’s got some jealousy issues going on and the reality is that scathing remark was her passive aggressive attack on you.

You, of course, know this. You want to say something. In your heart of hearts you know if you don’t you will let it sit and soon that little bit of seething is full on resentment. You know this will happen. You even tell yourself you will confront Charlotte ASAP, maybe even before the next scheduled family meeting. You tell yourself this, but you don’t.

By the time the meeting rolls around, assuming you guys were able to schedule one, the incident is so far gone that you feel silly about bringing it up. Besides, you’re no longer sure you were reading the signals right, maybe you misread things.

That’s kind of convenient isn’t it? Charlotte gets her shot off. You take it. You let it go. You manage to talk yourself around talking about it. Fairly soon you’ve forgotten about the whole thing.

Until Charlotte lets of the next zinger. And you go through the same thing again.

Maybe by now you are tossing out your own zowies. Maybe she thinks you’re the bitch. Maybe there’s tension building up and you feel it but you can’t explain its origin.

Kind of confusing, huh?

You know, red lights get run every day. Every single day, several times a day, all across the country people are zipping through the intersection when they shouldn’t. Many of them will never be caught, never get into an accident, and might not even notice what they did. Sooner or later though, some one some where is going to slam hard into a situation they don’t want to deal with, be it a cop writing a ticket or your car plowed into someone else’s.

You gotta ask yourself how many red lights are you running? How many times have you gotten away with it?

Plenty and maybe too many.

I’m not accusing you or anyone of being vicious or vindictive. I’m just walking through the normal scheme of miscommunication or rather in this case, lack of communication. Bottom line, tell Charlotte she’s a god-damned bitch. Let her go through her explanations, her defenses, her apologies whatever the hell she’s going to toss out at you.

It may not be pleasant, but at least you’re communicating and…this is the best part, if she keeps doing it, you can tell yourself that you’ve brought it up before. You don’t have to feel like a pestering twat who blew something out of proportion because you have taken the time to show the family, bit by bit, the size of your issue.

Does that make any sense?

Think about it. Reword it if you need to. Maybe toss out the whole red light thing and just remind yourself not to bottle stuff up then get mad at yourself for not pushing to talk things out earlier.

I know it’s hard to be a secondary. Sometimes we are afraid of the primary. Maybe she’s still trying to wield her “power” over you. Maybe she’s still insecure in her station. Who knows, but you know you can only do so much to alleviate her or his fears. Sooner or later Charlotte is going to have to deal with things and though you should try and help her out by doing your best and communicating, it’s not your job. It’s hers and the other primary’s deal.

You, you need to take care of you, your issues, your feelings. Those are the only ones you can control. Those are the only ones that you are always aware of (mostly anyway). So, you start there. You start with you. You do your part. You make sure your piece of the puzzle fits. Let the primaries take care of their own shit.

And if that shit spills out on you, fucking tell them they need to step back. Poly isn’t just about them. It’s about all involved and if they really, really want it to work they gotta understand that there is, in the overall, no such thing as first and second and primary and secondary, not in successful poly.

Other than being markers for arrival or for living arrangements those terms are for beginners. They are training wheels in my opinion and if after a few years the primary’s are still clinging to them, then maybe there were a whole lot more red lights run than you thought.

Or maybe the primary just doesn’t fucking get it.

Either way, you need to talk it out, take it slow if you have to, but STOP and talk it out.


© 2008

Hello, Still Alive: A Turkey Day Short Message

Hello there everyone!!! Yes, I haven't been writing as much as I used to. That would be me putting far too much on my plate, like a million other blogs and some serious dedication to writing a book.

But fear not, I'm going to write up something in the coming weeks. Hopefully it's something you can relate to or learn from. Hell, I might even learn something in the process as well.

I had to stop by though on this holiday eve, when families are getting together and some are being left behind. I think the collective holiday season can be hard on secondaries. It's a time when some are forced to reconsider the lifestyle. I just want to say it's natural, it's common and there is no need to tear yourself a part over it.

If you need to, take the time for a retrospective. What happened this year? What went well? What went bad? Is it all worth it?

Really, that's the question your asking yourself, right?

IS IT WORTH IT?

Only you can answer that. Only you know what needs weigh more than others.

And if in your heart of hearts you know you aren't going anywhere, then why bother with the depressive mode? Huh? Be happy with what you have. Look on the bright side, put on your rose tint glasses, smile in the sunlight and be happy in your choices. None of this needs to be hard or sorrowful and if it's not, we don't need to make it so.

And you know, for many tomorrow is just another day and every day is what you make it.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! See you soon. Love much because in the end that means more than anything!!!!!!!!!!!!

OSO to OSO

What is your relationship with your lover’s lover?

I know that there are many, many different situations in Polyamory and though try as I might I can’t cover them all and really I don’t have experience in them all.

So let us focus on the idea that you are a Secondary of some kind, whether or not you buy into the label of “Second” or not. The bottom line, you aren’t the one who was in the relationship first.

We can look at the situation in any configuration you want, V, Z, triad, a string of lovers. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have a relationship with someone and that someone has a significant other, in my scenario, that significant other is the “Primary”.

Basically, I want to remove the lover and look at the other relationship. If you are in a V, you probably don’t have a romantic relationship with your lover’s primary. But you do have a relationship with him or her.

This relationship can be one of friendship or not. Hopefully, you’re at least cordial if not out and out friends. But the main question here is “What is the dynamic between the two of you?”

Are you friends? Are you tolerated? Barely tolerated? Do you hang out? Are you competitors? Are you practically strangers?

Not every V relationship needs to have the non-romantic partners be friends. Some people do well with a distant relationship with the primary. I’m not knocking that.

There are some that prefer a level of independence.

But I’m looking at this from the aspect of some integration. My ideal poly unit is a family, one that all parties are supportive emotionally and even financially. I guess it fits more along the lines of the “traditional” family.

Before you get bent out of shape, this post isn’t condemning any other lifestyle or configuration choice. Simply for the sake of simplicity, we are looking at a V configuration with the group goal of full integration into each other’s lives.

What I’m trying to get at is the type of relationship that you as a Secondary have with the Primary Partner is important to how you and your lover interact.

The Secondary to Primary relationship sets the tone of communication, compersion, and ease of interaction between you and the lover.. Why?

Because if your lover is constantly defending you or the primary against the other all of the relationships deteriorate. The lover cannot possibly feel like he or she isn’t betraying one or the other and this induces a friction and stress level where stability cannot grow.

So it’s important for everyone to get along. This doesn’t mean you have to be the best of friends. Though ideally, I think this would create the optimal environment for healthy polyamory.

It does mean the Secondary and the Primary have to define who they are to each other. The two must communicate outside of their romantic connection to the lover (In the V configuration.) and create a relationship.

What does this relationship have to be?

It doesn’t have to be anything other than a simple understanding of each others place in the lover’s life. Each must know their importance to the lover. Each must accept that each has a significant role in their lovers’ life.

But polyamory is never simple.

I want to assume perfection. perfect communication, perfect acceptance, perfect interaction, thus perfect polyamory.

We all know that no matter how hard we try for perfection, things get in the way. Usually the one thing that does is emotion.

This leads us back to the polyamory mainstay of communication. Communication is basic to all relationships and in polyamory such a necessity that the lack of honest communication can destroy everything you have worked for, the relationship, mutual happiness and so forth.

All of this is fine and dandy in theory. I think deep down we all know what we must do. The problem though isn’t knowing, it’s implementing.

Words mean nothing without action.

I guess my assignment for you, if I were giving them out and you were actually doing them, is to assess your relationship with others in your poly group. How are you interacting? How do those interactions affect your romantic relationships? Are their power struggles? Is compersion at a minimum? What’s setting off your insecurities or theirs?

And probably you should think about this…

Are you afraid of that person? Why? What’s going on that you fear to communicate?

Ah, you probably didn’t see that one coming. We don’t like to talk about the dark side of poly, but we all know there is one.

I think back and there was a time I was afraid to communicate. As the Secondary I thought I wasn’t really allowed and I also had a keenly aware that the Primary had the power to veto my existence in the family.

That’s a very, very scary place to be in. That fear shows lack of trust. Whether or not that lack is founded in reality or not doesn’t matter. It needs to be discussed. I wished I had because I think life back then would have been a little different.

So take it from me, talk, let it all out there. If the relationship explodes on you then fine. It’s better to be free of fear than live in it.

So who are you other significant others to each other? Think hard on it because you may be steering the course of your poly relationship down the wrong road simply by ignoring that question.

Joy and Satisfaction

Satisfaction.

Are you really satisfied in your poly relationship? What are you getting out of it? What are you giving? Are you getting all of your basic needs met? Is that enough? Do you want more?

Yeah, these are ugly questions and I often bring them up. I do so because I really think a lot of poly people are fooling themselves into thinking polyamory is for them.

I was reading a blog the other day and the assumption in the entire post was that poly was meant to be painful. The posted made it clear that insecurity, longing, and having to close off a part of oneself was a part of the poly equation.

Why does she think this? Have I been missing something? Do I expect more from my poly relationships?

I know I don’t assume that there will be pain. I expect a little discomfort here and there depending on the structure of the relationship.

If you are a second to a closeted married couple, there will be some issues come holiday time and on “primary” family occasions. During these times the second will feel tossed to the side. I know when I was dealing with this I felt lost and alone. I questioned my ability to deal with it for the rest of my life. I wasn’t sure if I could. I knew though, that I needed to find some connection to the “primary” family so I get the kind of comfort I need in a relationship.

Sometimes being second for me sucked.

But you know I don’t think it has to. I don’t see why there is an assumption of prolonged or extreme pain in poly relationships. There are those that have a structure that allows emotional cohesion and a true sense of family. I have to wonder if a primary couple has to stay closeted if it is really good for the second.

I know this is touchy ground here. Married couples often stay closeted to protect children or the feelings of family. There are legitimate and sound reasons to keep the poly thing on the low down. This is fine, but I think the primary couple really needs to take a look at what that does to the second and more importantly what they can do to alleviate the stress a second may feel during these times.

So yeah in this scenario pain is expected, but I don’t think it should be allowed to fester and grow. Doing so will damage the interaction beyond repair and the primaries will build one of those psycho secondaries or lose one that can’t handle the pain caused by the primary couple’s fear of coming out or the necessity of staying hidden.

Or they may create a relationship that always seems to be at arms length. I’ve seen one secondary love from afar, never allowing them self to fully integrate into the family.

On one hand, this could be that secondary’s fear of commitment. On the other, it might be that the secondary protecting themselves from that emotional pain of having to be hidden; they maintain the barrier so it isn’t a shock when they have to create the distance.

I can easily see both things happening. I don’t know what this would do to the poly unit as a whole if the unit was structured under the “traditional family style”. I would think this secondary in this scenario would never truly feel like “family”.

But then there are those who would thrive in such conditions. Not all secondaries require full integration into a family.

But let’s forget about the “closeted primary couple”. Do we assume abnormal amounts of pain in poly relationships that are open?

I keep saying extreme or abnormal in terms of pain solely because most people going into a monogamous relationship do not assume that there will be any pain. Only the super negative or unfortunate in our world assume that their family’s lives will be hurtful to them.

Relationships are not supposed to be painful. They are supposed to make you happy, fulfill you and meet your needs.

Polyamory shouldn’t be any different.

Oh but wait. Does that mean if you have a moment of envy or jealousy towards someone in the group that you’re in a bad relationship?

No, I’m only talking about extremities and prolonged pain. My guy will hurt my feelings sometime somewhere over something silly and relatively unimportant. We don’t go through life unscathed and unscratched. You will get surface cuts here and there, but the poster who sent me on this tangent wasn’t talking about little boo boos, they were talking about all out continual discomfort.

They were talking about sleeping and listening to the primary laugh and chat away. She was talking about the loneliness of not being able to sleep with her man. She was angry about feeling left out, alone and not a part of them. The word “them” cut her deeply and she accepted this as part of the package to be with him.

I can’t accept this as healthy. I can understand the need, the drive and the desire to go through hell and high water for a mate, but for gods sake I don’t think it has to be a given.

And that’s really the point of this whole post.

Pain is not a requirement of polyamory. It’s not a given that the secondary or anyone involved for that matter has to suffer. The poly unit can work towards making every one as comfortable as possible. Yes, there will be compromise, but my Pollyanna mindset says that compersion and love should be a keen motivator in giving to the others in the poly family.

Sacrifice should be out of love, not pain.

Do you see the difference? I do. Do you understand that emotional stress is not the way of the world or of polyamory? Do you know that such things should only be temporary, never prolonged and if it is something’s wrong, someone needs help?

I think if you’re relationship is full of pain, it’s not for you. Maybe it’s not an issue of poly itself, but of the relationships. It doesn’t matter. If something hurts you stop it.

Period.

I don’t know. Am I wrong to think that polyamory can produce sound, happy relationships where every one involved has their needs met? I won’t define what those needs are. That’s an impossibility, but certainly 1x+2x can equal joy.

You can change the math, but the end result should be the same.

Joy and satisfaction.

© 2008