Wow, I just came by to check things out and realized that I haven’t written a single post for 2009. It’s almost March and shit…You’d think I’d have something to say to start of the new year.
I guess at this point it’s more like crawling into the new year.
There hasn’t been much going on, not lately. Though really, there have been some major life changes. I wrote about it when it initially occurred, but some interested parties did not like it. So, that original post lasted “on air” for about 4 hours. Since then, I’ve been going over how to say what I want, get my feelings across,what I want, etc.
I find that complete honesty will be hard. What I have to say some don’t want to hear. Maybe you don’t want to hear it either, but I know interested parties won’t want to. So, I’ve written umm……a few versions and each has been tossed into the can.
Funny how honesty isn’t always easy. Not even delving into poly and forcing yourself and others involved to choke it down seems to make it any easier.
Anyway, that’s were I am. Caught in a “Should I or shouldn’t I?” kind of thing. Or maybe it’s not a matter of should, but how?
I don’t know. It’s so hard to say and maybe all of this means I’m just not ready to talk about things and maybe the things I need to talk about aren’t ready either.
Maybe I’m making things way tooooooo complicated.
Yeah, maybe. I don’t care at the moment, though. I just know life is so much better than it has been. My world is getting brighter, things are changing for the best, everyone involved seems to be happier than they once were. It just took a couple of steps to make it so.
Hmmm, maybe I’m making you wonder. Hell, I know I am. All this can be the great mystery of the year. You know, you probably already know. You just don’t want to say you know because there’s this little, itty, bitty, part of you saying, “Nah, that’s not it.”
You might be right.
It may not be it.
That’s all I got to say for now, a lot of nothing. I will get back to you on all the changes, the mysteries, the better than whats and keep on keeping on. I hope all is well in your poly worlds and that you understand that sometimes to be happy, you have to make some hard choices.
Love ya!!!!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Why 2009
Here’s you New Year’s question:
Why the fuck are you poly?
Yeah, that’s kind of a rowdy way to put it, but really why are you?
Let me think of some of the things I’ve heard…
I want a relationship, but I don’t want to have the level of commitment a one on one relationship requires. I like the somewhat distant relationship I have. Not that it isn’t intimate, but that…
I love them both equally and I can’t choose. They like each other. It works.
It kind of just happened.
We have always thought of having additional relationships, after we worked on our primary one.
My Master wanted it.
It’s what we do and we love it.
I can’t see limiting myself to one person. I won’t cheat. This is honest.
I haven’t been able to find a one on one relationship that works for me, but this does.
I fell in love with someone who was attached and…
There are far more why’s out there, but let me ask you this? Are any of the above good enough in the why department? It’s hard to really connect to why anyone is poly. It seems to start out as a kinky thing or a swinging thing or maybe…..a little dissatisfaction with the primary relationship?
Yeah, I know I am hitting on some touchy buttons. Polyamory doesn’t like to be linked in with anything potentially dysfunctional. Some poly folk are hard core kinksters and others want nothing to do with it. Some poly people will balk at the idea that they are swingers at all and my god, dissatisfied with the primary relationship???!!!!?// GODS NO!!!!!!!
Uh….okay.
I will agree that there are actually some well grounded primary relationships who want additional relationships to explore intimate interactions beyond the societal prescription. I have no doubts that there are many, many sound relationships flourishing in polyamory. I also have no doubt that there are many fucked ones as well.
Sorry folks, being poly doesn’t make your relationship more noble than any other. You’re just poly, that’s it. And unfortunately for everyone who is doing it “right” there are just as many doing it “wrong”.
Why?
Because that is the nature of relationships. We all have made bad choices, poor decisions and so forth. Each relationship, poly or not, stands on its own. Each has its own reasons for why, its own reasons for flourishing or disintegrating and I’m here to say none is really better than another. That’s not what I am after. My right is your wrong and vice versa. To each his own, etc. What I really want to know is why?
Why do something that is much harder? Why put ourselves through the mixer when we don’t have to? Why go this route? Why push against the grain and do this at all?
I went the poly route because I didn’t truly understand what I was getting into. I’m not sure any of us really, really do. We have an idea of what it is. We know that there is more than one person involved. We get that feelings will get hurt. We understand that there will be some level of integration, even for those who choose to be “distant” in their poly.
I am kinky. Let me get that out there if I haven’t before. My poly relationship started out as your standard wife doesn’t want to go “that far” into it thing. I’ve seen it tons of times, now anyway. Then, I hadn’t really.
And I really thought the relationship wouldn’t last. I really thought the wife would grow tired of it, he’d get his rocks off, whatever. In the mean time I’d gain some cool experiences to write about.
I had no fucking idea that I’d still be with him today. Or that our relationship would evolve into something quite different. I’ll tell you about it when I’m ready, but not just yet.
So, my why was kinky in essence and became something that we worked on and tired our damndest to make a real poly family.
That’s hard. Keeping it kinky would have been more simple. But you know, making a family is always harder than “keeping it simple”. Commitment, time, resources, all that stuff are big deals to add to the simple soup. It gets complicated. Then we start talking about living arrangements, children, money……all that relationship stuff.
Hey you know, I just wanted to have a good time. I had no idea that I’d find the love of my life.
Basically my initial “why” had none of the “love all” crap in it. I wasn’t thinking about multiple love or trying to make a statement. I was just thinking about the moment, me and what I wanted then. I had no thoughts about the future.
In retrospect, I think it would have been better to think a few steps ahead. Life would have been totally easier. I think.
Nah, it would have been rough no matter what because people, even with the best intentions, get territorial and insecure.
Anyway, I think it’s best if we tear down the why of our poly to the purest form it is. If you can rip it apart, not hide any truths from yourself and be completely honest then you will make it that much easier on you.
Hmmm, maybe you are insecure and don’t think you can find anything else? If that’s the case you should work on your self-esteem. You’ll need it to make you better for you and for those who love you.
Perhaps you are a horny fucker and need lots of poon-tang? Fine, but be honest with your partners. They need to know that you want to keep it “simple” and don’t want committed relationships beyond the booty call.
You are weary of your relationship and want to spice it up? This happens. Work on the primary relationship first, adding others at this point puts them through the grinder and only bandages, not heals the core problem. (And is very selfish.)
Your ego needs the feed? No, you probably won’t admit this to yourself or anyone else. But yeah, your main reason for poly is having them fight over you and you be in total control. I don’t see this type of poly lasting a long time, but maybe if you discover this about yourself you’ll stop putting you and your loved ones through so much shit. Or you can find the right co-dependents to help you out? (Insert rant here.)
You’re bi and want one of each? Oh to find the hot bi-babe!!!!! She exists, but she seems to be always taken. *smiles* You can find her!!!!!! Or have fun trying!!!!!
You love him/her and it’s what they want? No one will stop you. Just make sure you can handle it and DO NOT, sell yourself short. If you do this make sure you get your needs met. If you don’t, you’ll slowly wither and wonder what went wrong.
You want multiple interactions because it simply feels right? You understand that it might be hard. You might make mistakes, but you and those you choose are committed to making it work. You will find your way and in the end, even if it ends, you’ll be all the richer for having had the experience and your life being touched by people you love.
Got any more why’s you know of? Want to share? E-mail me at polygrrl@yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous unless otherwise stated by you.
Oh and Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why the fuck are you poly?
Yeah, that’s kind of a rowdy way to put it, but really why are you?
Let me think of some of the things I’ve heard…
I want a relationship, but I don’t want to have the level of commitment a one on one relationship requires. I like the somewhat distant relationship I have. Not that it isn’t intimate, but that…
I love them both equally and I can’t choose. They like each other. It works.
It kind of just happened.
We have always thought of having additional relationships, after we worked on our primary one.
My Master wanted it.
It’s what we do and we love it.
I can’t see limiting myself to one person. I won’t cheat. This is honest.
I haven’t been able to find a one on one relationship that works for me, but this does.
I fell in love with someone who was attached and…
There are far more why’s out there, but let me ask you this? Are any of the above good enough in the why department? It’s hard to really connect to why anyone is poly. It seems to start out as a kinky thing or a swinging thing or maybe…..a little dissatisfaction with the primary relationship?
Yeah, I know I am hitting on some touchy buttons. Polyamory doesn’t like to be linked in with anything potentially dysfunctional. Some poly folk are hard core kinksters and others want nothing to do with it. Some poly people will balk at the idea that they are swingers at all and my god, dissatisfied with the primary relationship???!!!!?// GODS NO!!!!!!!
Uh….okay.
I will agree that there are actually some well grounded primary relationships who want additional relationships to explore intimate interactions beyond the societal prescription. I have no doubts that there are many, many sound relationships flourishing in polyamory. I also have no doubt that there are many fucked ones as well.
Sorry folks, being poly doesn’t make your relationship more noble than any other. You’re just poly, that’s it. And unfortunately for everyone who is doing it “right” there are just as many doing it “wrong”.
Why?
Because that is the nature of relationships. We all have made bad choices, poor decisions and so forth. Each relationship, poly or not, stands on its own. Each has its own reasons for why, its own reasons for flourishing or disintegrating and I’m here to say none is really better than another. That’s not what I am after. My right is your wrong and vice versa. To each his own, etc. What I really want to know is why?
Why do something that is much harder? Why put ourselves through the mixer when we don’t have to? Why go this route? Why push against the grain and do this at all?
I went the poly route because I didn’t truly understand what I was getting into. I’m not sure any of us really, really do. We have an idea of what it is. We know that there is more than one person involved. We get that feelings will get hurt. We understand that there will be some level of integration, even for those who choose to be “distant” in their poly.
I am kinky. Let me get that out there if I haven’t before. My poly relationship started out as your standard wife doesn’t want to go “that far” into it thing. I’ve seen it tons of times, now anyway. Then, I hadn’t really.
And I really thought the relationship wouldn’t last. I really thought the wife would grow tired of it, he’d get his rocks off, whatever. In the mean time I’d gain some cool experiences to write about.
I had no fucking idea that I’d still be with him today. Or that our relationship would evolve into something quite different. I’ll tell you about it when I’m ready, but not just yet.
So, my why was kinky in essence and became something that we worked on and tired our damndest to make a real poly family.
That’s hard. Keeping it kinky would have been more simple. But you know, making a family is always harder than “keeping it simple”. Commitment, time, resources, all that stuff are big deals to add to the simple soup. It gets complicated. Then we start talking about living arrangements, children, money……all that relationship stuff.
Hey you know, I just wanted to have a good time. I had no idea that I’d find the love of my life.
Basically my initial “why” had none of the “love all” crap in it. I wasn’t thinking about multiple love or trying to make a statement. I was just thinking about the moment, me and what I wanted then. I had no thoughts about the future.
In retrospect, I think it would have been better to think a few steps ahead. Life would have been totally easier. I think.
Nah, it would have been rough no matter what because people, even with the best intentions, get territorial and insecure.
Anyway, I think it’s best if we tear down the why of our poly to the purest form it is. If you can rip it apart, not hide any truths from yourself and be completely honest then you will make it that much easier on you.
Hmmm, maybe you are insecure and don’t think you can find anything else? If that’s the case you should work on your self-esteem. You’ll need it to make you better for you and for those who love you.
Perhaps you are a horny fucker and need lots of poon-tang? Fine, but be honest with your partners. They need to know that you want to keep it “simple” and don’t want committed relationships beyond the booty call.
You are weary of your relationship and want to spice it up? This happens. Work on the primary relationship first, adding others at this point puts them through the grinder and only bandages, not heals the core problem. (And is very selfish.)
Your ego needs the feed? No, you probably won’t admit this to yourself or anyone else. But yeah, your main reason for poly is having them fight over you and you be in total control. I don’t see this type of poly lasting a long time, but maybe if you discover this about yourself you’ll stop putting you and your loved ones through so much shit. Or you can find the right co-dependents to help you out? (Insert rant here.)
You’re bi and want one of each? Oh to find the hot bi-babe!!!!! She exists, but she seems to be always taken. *smiles* You can find her!!!!!! Or have fun trying!!!!!
You love him/her and it’s what they want? No one will stop you. Just make sure you can handle it and DO NOT, sell yourself short. If you do this make sure you get your needs met. If you don’t, you’ll slowly wither and wonder what went wrong.
You want multiple interactions because it simply feels right? You understand that it might be hard. You might make mistakes, but you and those you choose are committed to making it work. You will find your way and in the end, even if it ends, you’ll be all the richer for having had the experience and your life being touched by people you love.
Got any more why’s you know of? Want to share? E-mail me at polygrrl@yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous unless otherwise stated by you.
Oh and Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Red Lights, ZIngers and Zowies
Yesterday was an odd Monday morning. I suppose not so odd as far as Monday mornings go. I had the car for the first time in a long time and was re-experiencing the sensation of control. Or so I told myself as through out my morning commute other drivers conveyed that stopping at red lights wasn’t the law of the road, merely suggestions.
That got me to thinking about poly.
There are many, many rules to poly. You start your relationships and there are all these guidelines. Thou shalt….Thou shalt not……and so forth.
It’s actually quite cumbersome, especially when many of these rules are made up as we go along.
But making the rules isn’t my point. It’s following them.
How many of your poly rules do you actually follow? How many times have you come across a situation and told yourself you should really do this or that and you don’t?
I think it happens more often than not.
Now, I’m not talking about Wednesdays belong to Harold and Fridays you have to be home by 9 so that Charlotte can get to her dance class on time. Those kinds of rules are easy to follow, like stopping at red lights should be. I’m talking about the other rules, the ones where there is confrontation involved.
Yeah, I managed to sneak in yet another post on communication. It’s amazing how many times we can revisit this topic and still not get it. Sometimes, you have to see a picture at every angle to really get the depth of it. Consider this yet another angle on that sometimes tiring topic, communication.
Let’s start with communicating when something bothers you. That’s simple right? Charlotte says something snarky and you say “Hey Charlotte, that was fucked.” And of course Charlotte apologizes and all is well.
Sorry, I think I just flipped over to some kind of fantasy world.
Okay, maybe Charlotte is not a total raving bitch. Maybe she is someone who will just accept your issues and you can all move along. Maybe you’re the exact same way. We’ll even pretend that both you and Charlotte are super special and never get your panties in a twist about anything.
Now that that’s over lets get back to reality.
Charlotte is a bitch. She tries not to be. She doesn’t even realize she is. She’s at the top of the heap, standing tall in her primary station. She’s got some jealousy issues going on and the reality is that scathing remark was her passive aggressive attack on you.
You, of course, know this. You want to say something. In your heart of hearts you know if you don’t you will let it sit and soon that little bit of seething is full on resentment. You know this will happen. You even tell yourself you will confront Charlotte ASAP, maybe even before the next scheduled family meeting. You tell yourself this, but you don’t.
By the time the meeting rolls around, assuming you guys were able to schedule one, the incident is so far gone that you feel silly about bringing it up. Besides, you’re no longer sure you were reading the signals right, maybe you misread things.
That’s kind of convenient isn’t it? Charlotte gets her shot off. You take it. You let it go. You manage to talk yourself around talking about it. Fairly soon you’ve forgotten about the whole thing.
Until Charlotte lets of the next zinger. And you go through the same thing again.
Maybe by now you are tossing out your own zowies. Maybe she thinks you’re the bitch. Maybe there’s tension building up and you feel it but you can’t explain its origin.
Kind of confusing, huh?
You know, red lights get run every day. Every single day, several times a day, all across the country people are zipping through the intersection when they shouldn’t. Many of them will never be caught, never get into an accident, and might not even notice what they did. Sooner or later though, some one some where is going to slam hard into a situation they don’t want to deal with, be it a cop writing a ticket or your car plowed into someone else’s.
You gotta ask yourself how many red lights are you running? How many times have you gotten away with it?
Plenty and maybe too many.
I’m not accusing you or anyone of being vicious or vindictive. I’m just walking through the normal scheme of miscommunication or rather in this case, lack of communication. Bottom line, tell Charlotte she’s a god-damned bitch. Let her go through her explanations, her defenses, her apologies whatever the hell she’s going to toss out at you.
It may not be pleasant, but at least you’re communicating and…this is the best part, if she keeps doing it, you can tell yourself that you’ve brought it up before. You don’t have to feel like a pestering twat who blew something out of proportion because you have taken the time to show the family, bit by bit, the size of your issue.
Does that make any sense?
Think about it. Reword it if you need to. Maybe toss out the whole red light thing and just remind yourself not to bottle stuff up then get mad at yourself for not pushing to talk things out earlier.
I know it’s hard to be a secondary. Sometimes we are afraid of the primary. Maybe she’s still trying to wield her “power” over you. Maybe she’s still insecure in her station. Who knows, but you know you can only do so much to alleviate her or his fears. Sooner or later Charlotte is going to have to deal with things and though you should try and help her out by doing your best and communicating, it’s not your job. It’s hers and the other primary’s deal.
You, you need to take care of you, your issues, your feelings. Those are the only ones you can control. Those are the only ones that you are always aware of (mostly anyway). So, you start there. You start with you. You do your part. You make sure your piece of the puzzle fits. Let the primaries take care of their own shit.
And if that shit spills out on you, fucking tell them they need to step back. Poly isn’t just about them. It’s about all involved and if they really, really want it to work they gotta understand that there is, in the overall, no such thing as first and second and primary and secondary, not in successful poly.
Other than being markers for arrival or for living arrangements those terms are for beginners. They are training wheels in my opinion and if after a few years the primary’s are still clinging to them, then maybe there were a whole lot more red lights run than you thought.
Or maybe the primary just doesn’t fucking get it.
Either way, you need to talk it out, take it slow if you have to, but STOP and talk it out.
© 2008
That got me to thinking about poly.
There are many, many rules to poly. You start your relationships and there are all these guidelines. Thou shalt….Thou shalt not……and so forth.
It’s actually quite cumbersome, especially when many of these rules are made up as we go along.
But making the rules isn’t my point. It’s following them.
How many of your poly rules do you actually follow? How many times have you come across a situation and told yourself you should really do this or that and you don’t?
I think it happens more often than not.
Now, I’m not talking about Wednesdays belong to Harold and Fridays you have to be home by 9 so that Charlotte can get to her dance class on time. Those kinds of rules are easy to follow, like stopping at red lights should be. I’m talking about the other rules, the ones where there is confrontation involved.
Yeah, I managed to sneak in yet another post on communication. It’s amazing how many times we can revisit this topic and still not get it. Sometimes, you have to see a picture at every angle to really get the depth of it. Consider this yet another angle on that sometimes tiring topic, communication.
Let’s start with communicating when something bothers you. That’s simple right? Charlotte says something snarky and you say “Hey Charlotte, that was fucked.” And of course Charlotte apologizes and all is well.
Sorry, I think I just flipped over to some kind of fantasy world.
Okay, maybe Charlotte is not a total raving bitch. Maybe she is someone who will just accept your issues and you can all move along. Maybe you’re the exact same way. We’ll even pretend that both you and Charlotte are super special and never get your panties in a twist about anything.
Now that that’s over lets get back to reality.
Charlotte is a bitch. She tries not to be. She doesn’t even realize she is. She’s at the top of the heap, standing tall in her primary station. She’s got some jealousy issues going on and the reality is that scathing remark was her passive aggressive attack on you.
You, of course, know this. You want to say something. In your heart of hearts you know if you don’t you will let it sit and soon that little bit of seething is full on resentment. You know this will happen. You even tell yourself you will confront Charlotte ASAP, maybe even before the next scheduled family meeting. You tell yourself this, but you don’t.
By the time the meeting rolls around, assuming you guys were able to schedule one, the incident is so far gone that you feel silly about bringing it up. Besides, you’re no longer sure you were reading the signals right, maybe you misread things.
That’s kind of convenient isn’t it? Charlotte gets her shot off. You take it. You let it go. You manage to talk yourself around talking about it. Fairly soon you’ve forgotten about the whole thing.
Until Charlotte lets of the next zinger. And you go through the same thing again.
Maybe by now you are tossing out your own zowies. Maybe she thinks you’re the bitch. Maybe there’s tension building up and you feel it but you can’t explain its origin.
Kind of confusing, huh?
You know, red lights get run every day. Every single day, several times a day, all across the country people are zipping through the intersection when they shouldn’t. Many of them will never be caught, never get into an accident, and might not even notice what they did. Sooner or later though, some one some where is going to slam hard into a situation they don’t want to deal with, be it a cop writing a ticket or your car plowed into someone else’s.
You gotta ask yourself how many red lights are you running? How many times have you gotten away with it?
Plenty and maybe too many.
I’m not accusing you or anyone of being vicious or vindictive. I’m just walking through the normal scheme of miscommunication or rather in this case, lack of communication. Bottom line, tell Charlotte she’s a god-damned bitch. Let her go through her explanations, her defenses, her apologies whatever the hell she’s going to toss out at you.
It may not be pleasant, but at least you’re communicating and…this is the best part, if she keeps doing it, you can tell yourself that you’ve brought it up before. You don’t have to feel like a pestering twat who blew something out of proportion because you have taken the time to show the family, bit by bit, the size of your issue.
Does that make any sense?
Think about it. Reword it if you need to. Maybe toss out the whole red light thing and just remind yourself not to bottle stuff up then get mad at yourself for not pushing to talk things out earlier.
I know it’s hard to be a secondary. Sometimes we are afraid of the primary. Maybe she’s still trying to wield her “power” over you. Maybe she’s still insecure in her station. Who knows, but you know you can only do so much to alleviate her or his fears. Sooner or later Charlotte is going to have to deal with things and though you should try and help her out by doing your best and communicating, it’s not your job. It’s hers and the other primary’s deal.
You, you need to take care of you, your issues, your feelings. Those are the only ones you can control. Those are the only ones that you are always aware of (mostly anyway). So, you start there. You start with you. You do your part. You make sure your piece of the puzzle fits. Let the primaries take care of their own shit.
And if that shit spills out on you, fucking tell them they need to step back. Poly isn’t just about them. It’s about all involved and if they really, really want it to work they gotta understand that there is, in the overall, no such thing as first and second and primary and secondary, not in successful poly.
Other than being markers for arrival or for living arrangements those terms are for beginners. They are training wheels in my opinion and if after a few years the primary’s are still clinging to them, then maybe there were a whole lot more red lights run than you thought.
Or maybe the primary just doesn’t fucking get it.
Either way, you need to talk it out, take it slow if you have to, but STOP and talk it out.
© 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Hello, Still Alive: A Turkey Day Short Message
Hello there everyone!!! Yes, I haven't been writing as much as I used to. That would be me putting far too much on my plate, like a million other blogs and some serious dedication to writing a book.
But fear not, I'm going to write up something in the coming weeks. Hopefully it's something you can relate to or learn from. Hell, I might even learn something in the process as well.
I had to stop by though on this holiday eve, when families are getting together and some are being left behind. I think the collective holiday season can be hard on secondaries. It's a time when some are forced to reconsider the lifestyle. I just want to say it's natural, it's common and there is no need to tear yourself a part over it.
If you need to, take the time for a retrospective. What happened this year? What went well? What went bad? Is it all worth it?
Really, that's the question your asking yourself, right?
IS IT WORTH IT?
Only you can answer that. Only you know what needs weigh more than others.
And if in your heart of hearts you know you aren't going anywhere, then why bother with the depressive mode? Huh? Be happy with what you have. Look on the bright side, put on your rose tint glasses, smile in the sunlight and be happy in your choices. None of this needs to be hard or sorrowful and if it's not, we don't need to make it so.
And you know, for many tomorrow is just another day and every day is what you make it.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! See you soon. Love much because in the end that means more than anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
But fear not, I'm going to write up something in the coming weeks. Hopefully it's something you can relate to or learn from. Hell, I might even learn something in the process as well.
I had to stop by though on this holiday eve, when families are getting together and some are being left behind. I think the collective holiday season can be hard on secondaries. It's a time when some are forced to reconsider the lifestyle. I just want to say it's natural, it's common and there is no need to tear yourself a part over it.
If you need to, take the time for a retrospective. What happened this year? What went well? What went bad? Is it all worth it?
Really, that's the question your asking yourself, right?
IS IT WORTH IT?
Only you can answer that. Only you know what needs weigh more than others.
And if in your heart of hearts you know you aren't going anywhere, then why bother with the depressive mode? Huh? Be happy with what you have. Look on the bright side, put on your rose tint glasses, smile in the sunlight and be happy in your choices. None of this needs to be hard or sorrowful and if it's not, we don't need to make it so.
And you know, for many tomorrow is just another day and every day is what you make it.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! See you soon. Love much because in the end that means more than anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 09, 2008
OSO to OSO
What is your relationship with your lover’s lover?
I know that there are many, many different situations in Polyamory and though try as I might I can’t cover them all and really I don’t have experience in them all.
So let us focus on the idea that you are a Secondary of some kind, whether or not you buy into the label of “Second” or not. The bottom line, you aren’t the one who was in the relationship first.
We can look at the situation in any configuration you want, V, Z, triad, a string of lovers. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have a relationship with someone and that someone has a significant other, in my scenario, that significant other is the “Primary”.
Basically, I want to remove the lover and look at the other relationship. If you are in a V, you probably don’t have a romantic relationship with your lover’s primary. But you do have a relationship with him or her.
This relationship can be one of friendship or not. Hopefully, you’re at least cordial if not out and out friends. But the main question here is “What is the dynamic between the two of you?”
Are you friends? Are you tolerated? Barely tolerated? Do you hang out? Are you competitors? Are you practically strangers?
Not every V relationship needs to have the non-romantic partners be friends. Some people do well with a distant relationship with the primary. I’m not knocking that.
There are some that prefer a level of independence.
But I’m looking at this from the aspect of some integration. My ideal poly unit is a family, one that all parties are supportive emotionally and even financially. I guess it fits more along the lines of the “traditional” family.
Before you get bent out of shape, this post isn’t condemning any other lifestyle or configuration choice. Simply for the sake of simplicity, we are looking at a V configuration with the group goal of full integration into each other’s lives.
What I’m trying to get at is the type of relationship that you as a Secondary have with the Primary Partner is important to how you and your lover interact.
The Secondary to Primary relationship sets the tone of communication, compersion, and ease of interaction between you and the lover.. Why?
Because if your lover is constantly defending you or the primary against the other all of the relationships deteriorate. The lover cannot possibly feel like he or she isn’t betraying one or the other and this induces a friction and stress level where stability cannot grow.
So it’s important for everyone to get along. This doesn’t mean you have to be the best of friends. Though ideally, I think this would create the optimal environment for healthy polyamory.
It does mean the Secondary and the Primary have to define who they are to each other. The two must communicate outside of their romantic connection to the lover (In the V configuration.) and create a relationship.
What does this relationship have to be?
It doesn’t have to be anything other than a simple understanding of each others place in the lover’s life. Each must know their importance to the lover. Each must accept that each has a significant role in their lovers’ life.
But polyamory is never simple.
I want to assume perfection. perfect communication, perfect acceptance, perfect interaction, thus perfect polyamory.
We all know that no matter how hard we try for perfection, things get in the way. Usually the one thing that does is emotion.
This leads us back to the polyamory mainstay of communication. Communication is basic to all relationships and in polyamory such a necessity that the lack of honest communication can destroy everything you have worked for, the relationship, mutual happiness and so forth.
All of this is fine and dandy in theory. I think deep down we all know what we must do. The problem though isn’t knowing, it’s implementing.
Words mean nothing without action.
I guess my assignment for you, if I were giving them out and you were actually doing them, is to assess your relationship with others in your poly group. How are you interacting? How do those interactions affect your romantic relationships? Are their power struggles? Is compersion at a minimum? What’s setting off your insecurities or theirs?
And probably you should think about this…
Are you afraid of that person? Why? What’s going on that you fear to communicate?
Ah, you probably didn’t see that one coming. We don’t like to talk about the dark side of poly, but we all know there is one.
I think back and there was a time I was afraid to communicate. As the Secondary I thought I wasn’t really allowed and I also had a keenly aware that the Primary had the power to veto my existence in the family.
That’s a very, very scary place to be in. That fear shows lack of trust. Whether or not that lack is founded in reality or not doesn’t matter. It needs to be discussed. I wished I had because I think life back then would have been a little different.
So take it from me, talk, let it all out there. If the relationship explodes on you then fine. It’s better to be free of fear than live in it.
So who are you other significant others to each other? Think hard on it because you may be steering the course of your poly relationship down the wrong road simply by ignoring that question.
I know that there are many, many different situations in Polyamory and though try as I might I can’t cover them all and really I don’t have experience in them all.
So let us focus on the idea that you are a Secondary of some kind, whether or not you buy into the label of “Second” or not. The bottom line, you aren’t the one who was in the relationship first.
We can look at the situation in any configuration you want, V, Z, triad, a string of lovers. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have a relationship with someone and that someone has a significant other, in my scenario, that significant other is the “Primary”.
Basically, I want to remove the lover and look at the other relationship. If you are in a V, you probably don’t have a romantic relationship with your lover’s primary. But you do have a relationship with him or her.
This relationship can be one of friendship or not. Hopefully, you’re at least cordial if not out and out friends. But the main question here is “What is the dynamic between the two of you?”
Are you friends? Are you tolerated? Barely tolerated? Do you hang out? Are you competitors? Are you practically strangers?
Not every V relationship needs to have the non-romantic partners be friends. Some people do well with a distant relationship with the primary. I’m not knocking that.
There are some that prefer a level of independence.
But I’m looking at this from the aspect of some integration. My ideal poly unit is a family, one that all parties are supportive emotionally and even financially. I guess it fits more along the lines of the “traditional” family.
Before you get bent out of shape, this post isn’t condemning any other lifestyle or configuration choice. Simply for the sake of simplicity, we are looking at a V configuration with the group goal of full integration into each other’s lives.
What I’m trying to get at is the type of relationship that you as a Secondary have with the Primary Partner is important to how you and your lover interact.
The Secondary to Primary relationship sets the tone of communication, compersion, and ease of interaction between you and the lover.. Why?
Because if your lover is constantly defending you or the primary against the other all of the relationships deteriorate. The lover cannot possibly feel like he or she isn’t betraying one or the other and this induces a friction and stress level where stability cannot grow.
So it’s important for everyone to get along. This doesn’t mean you have to be the best of friends. Though ideally, I think this would create the optimal environment for healthy polyamory.
It does mean the Secondary and the Primary have to define who they are to each other. The two must communicate outside of their romantic connection to the lover (In the V configuration.) and create a relationship.
What does this relationship have to be?
It doesn’t have to be anything other than a simple understanding of each others place in the lover’s life. Each must know their importance to the lover. Each must accept that each has a significant role in their lovers’ life.
But polyamory is never simple.
I want to assume perfection. perfect communication, perfect acceptance, perfect interaction, thus perfect polyamory.
We all know that no matter how hard we try for perfection, things get in the way. Usually the one thing that does is emotion.
This leads us back to the polyamory mainstay of communication. Communication is basic to all relationships and in polyamory such a necessity that the lack of honest communication can destroy everything you have worked for, the relationship, mutual happiness and so forth.
All of this is fine and dandy in theory. I think deep down we all know what we must do. The problem though isn’t knowing, it’s implementing.
Words mean nothing without action.
I guess my assignment for you, if I were giving them out and you were actually doing them, is to assess your relationship with others in your poly group. How are you interacting? How do those interactions affect your romantic relationships? Are their power struggles? Is compersion at a minimum? What’s setting off your insecurities or theirs?
And probably you should think about this…
Are you afraid of that person? Why? What’s going on that you fear to communicate?
Ah, you probably didn’t see that one coming. We don’t like to talk about the dark side of poly, but we all know there is one.
I think back and there was a time I was afraid to communicate. As the Secondary I thought I wasn’t really allowed and I also had a keenly aware that the Primary had the power to veto my existence in the family.
That’s a very, very scary place to be in. That fear shows lack of trust. Whether or not that lack is founded in reality or not doesn’t matter. It needs to be discussed. I wished I had because I think life back then would have been a little different.
So take it from me, talk, let it all out there. If the relationship explodes on you then fine. It’s better to be free of fear than live in it.
So who are you other significant others to each other? Think hard on it because you may be steering the course of your poly relationship down the wrong road simply by ignoring that question.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Joy and Satisfaction
Satisfaction.
Are you really satisfied in your poly relationship? What are you getting out of it? What are you giving? Are you getting all of your basic needs met? Is that enough? Do you want more?
Yeah, these are ugly questions and I often bring them up. I do so because I really think a lot of poly people are fooling themselves into thinking polyamory is for them.
I was reading a blog the other day and the assumption in the entire post was that poly was meant to be painful. The posted made it clear that insecurity, longing, and having to close off a part of oneself was a part of the poly equation.
Why does she think this? Have I been missing something? Do I expect more from my poly relationships?
I know I don’t assume that there will be pain. I expect a little discomfort here and there depending on the structure of the relationship.
If you are a second to a closeted married couple, there will be some issues come holiday time and on “primary” family occasions. During these times the second will feel tossed to the side. I know when I was dealing with this I felt lost and alone. I questioned my ability to deal with it for the rest of my life. I wasn’t sure if I could. I knew though, that I needed to find some connection to the “primary” family so I get the kind of comfort I need in a relationship.
Sometimes being second for me sucked.
But you know I don’t think it has to. I don’t see why there is an assumption of prolonged or extreme pain in poly relationships. There are those that have a structure that allows emotional cohesion and a true sense of family. I have to wonder if a primary couple has to stay closeted if it is really good for the second.
I know this is touchy ground here. Married couples often stay closeted to protect children or the feelings of family. There are legitimate and sound reasons to keep the poly thing on the low down. This is fine, but I think the primary couple really needs to take a look at what that does to the second and more importantly what they can do to alleviate the stress a second may feel during these times.
So yeah in this scenario pain is expected, but I don’t think it should be allowed to fester and grow. Doing so will damage the interaction beyond repair and the primaries will build one of those psycho secondaries or lose one that can’t handle the pain caused by the primary couple’s fear of coming out or the necessity of staying hidden.
Or they may create a relationship that always seems to be at arms length. I’ve seen one secondary love from afar, never allowing them self to fully integrate into the family.
On one hand, this could be that secondary’s fear of commitment. On the other, it might be that the secondary protecting themselves from that emotional pain of having to be hidden; they maintain the barrier so it isn’t a shock when they have to create the distance.
I can easily see both things happening. I don’t know what this would do to the poly unit as a whole if the unit was structured under the “traditional family style”. I would think this secondary in this scenario would never truly feel like “family”.
But then there are those who would thrive in such conditions. Not all secondaries require full integration into a family.
But let’s forget about the “closeted primary couple”. Do we assume abnormal amounts of pain in poly relationships that are open?
I keep saying extreme or abnormal in terms of pain solely because most people going into a monogamous relationship do not assume that there will be any pain. Only the super negative or unfortunate in our world assume that their family’s lives will be hurtful to them.
Relationships are not supposed to be painful. They are supposed to make you happy, fulfill you and meet your needs.
Polyamory shouldn’t be any different.
Oh but wait. Does that mean if you have a moment of envy or jealousy towards someone in the group that you’re in a bad relationship?
No, I’m only talking about extremities and prolonged pain. My guy will hurt my feelings sometime somewhere over something silly and relatively unimportant. We don’t go through life unscathed and unscratched. You will get surface cuts here and there, but the poster who sent me on this tangent wasn’t talking about little boo boos, they were talking about all out continual discomfort.
They were talking about sleeping and listening to the primary laugh and chat away. She was talking about the loneliness of not being able to sleep with her man. She was angry about feeling left out, alone and not a part of them. The word “them” cut her deeply and she accepted this as part of the package to be with him.
I can’t accept this as healthy. I can understand the need, the drive and the desire to go through hell and high water for a mate, but for gods sake I don’t think it has to be a given.
And that’s really the point of this whole post.
Pain is not a requirement of polyamory. It’s not a given that the secondary or anyone involved for that matter has to suffer. The poly unit can work towards making every one as comfortable as possible. Yes, there will be compromise, but my Pollyanna mindset says that compersion and love should be a keen motivator in giving to the others in the poly family.
Sacrifice should be out of love, not pain.
Do you see the difference? I do. Do you understand that emotional stress is not the way of the world or of polyamory? Do you know that such things should only be temporary, never prolonged and if it is something’s wrong, someone needs help?
I think if you’re relationship is full of pain, it’s not for you. Maybe it’s not an issue of poly itself, but of the relationships. It doesn’t matter. If something hurts you stop it.
Period.
I don’t know. Am I wrong to think that polyamory can produce sound, happy relationships where every one involved has their needs met? I won’t define what those needs are. That’s an impossibility, but certainly 1x+2x can equal joy.
You can change the math, but the end result should be the same.
Joy and satisfaction.
© 2008
Are you really satisfied in your poly relationship? What are you getting out of it? What are you giving? Are you getting all of your basic needs met? Is that enough? Do you want more?
Yeah, these are ugly questions and I often bring them up. I do so because I really think a lot of poly people are fooling themselves into thinking polyamory is for them.
I was reading a blog the other day and the assumption in the entire post was that poly was meant to be painful. The posted made it clear that insecurity, longing, and having to close off a part of oneself was a part of the poly equation.
Why does she think this? Have I been missing something? Do I expect more from my poly relationships?
I know I don’t assume that there will be pain. I expect a little discomfort here and there depending on the structure of the relationship.
If you are a second to a closeted married couple, there will be some issues come holiday time and on “primary” family occasions. During these times the second will feel tossed to the side. I know when I was dealing with this I felt lost and alone. I questioned my ability to deal with it for the rest of my life. I wasn’t sure if I could. I knew though, that I needed to find some connection to the “primary” family so I get the kind of comfort I need in a relationship.
Sometimes being second for me sucked.
But you know I don’t think it has to. I don’t see why there is an assumption of prolonged or extreme pain in poly relationships. There are those that have a structure that allows emotional cohesion and a true sense of family. I have to wonder if a primary couple has to stay closeted if it is really good for the second.
I know this is touchy ground here. Married couples often stay closeted to protect children or the feelings of family. There are legitimate and sound reasons to keep the poly thing on the low down. This is fine, but I think the primary couple really needs to take a look at what that does to the second and more importantly what they can do to alleviate the stress a second may feel during these times.
So yeah in this scenario pain is expected, but I don’t think it should be allowed to fester and grow. Doing so will damage the interaction beyond repair and the primaries will build one of those psycho secondaries or lose one that can’t handle the pain caused by the primary couple’s fear of coming out or the necessity of staying hidden.
Or they may create a relationship that always seems to be at arms length. I’ve seen one secondary love from afar, never allowing them self to fully integrate into the family.
On one hand, this could be that secondary’s fear of commitment. On the other, it might be that the secondary protecting themselves from that emotional pain of having to be hidden; they maintain the barrier so it isn’t a shock when they have to create the distance.
I can easily see both things happening. I don’t know what this would do to the poly unit as a whole if the unit was structured under the “traditional family style”. I would think this secondary in this scenario would never truly feel like “family”.
But then there are those who would thrive in such conditions. Not all secondaries require full integration into a family.
But let’s forget about the “closeted primary couple”. Do we assume abnormal amounts of pain in poly relationships that are open?
I keep saying extreme or abnormal in terms of pain solely because most people going into a monogamous relationship do not assume that there will be any pain. Only the super negative or unfortunate in our world assume that their family’s lives will be hurtful to them.
Relationships are not supposed to be painful. They are supposed to make you happy, fulfill you and meet your needs.
Polyamory shouldn’t be any different.
Oh but wait. Does that mean if you have a moment of envy or jealousy towards someone in the group that you’re in a bad relationship?
No, I’m only talking about extremities and prolonged pain. My guy will hurt my feelings sometime somewhere over something silly and relatively unimportant. We don’t go through life unscathed and unscratched. You will get surface cuts here and there, but the poster who sent me on this tangent wasn’t talking about little boo boos, they were talking about all out continual discomfort.
They were talking about sleeping and listening to the primary laugh and chat away. She was talking about the loneliness of not being able to sleep with her man. She was angry about feeling left out, alone and not a part of them. The word “them” cut her deeply and she accepted this as part of the package to be with him.
I can’t accept this as healthy. I can understand the need, the drive and the desire to go through hell and high water for a mate, but for gods sake I don’t think it has to be a given.
And that’s really the point of this whole post.
Pain is not a requirement of polyamory. It’s not a given that the secondary or anyone involved for that matter has to suffer. The poly unit can work towards making every one as comfortable as possible. Yes, there will be compromise, but my Pollyanna mindset says that compersion and love should be a keen motivator in giving to the others in the poly family.
Sacrifice should be out of love, not pain.
Do you see the difference? I do. Do you understand that emotional stress is not the way of the world or of polyamory? Do you know that such things should only be temporary, never prolonged and if it is something’s wrong, someone needs help?
I think if you’re relationship is full of pain, it’s not for you. Maybe it’s not an issue of poly itself, but of the relationships. It doesn’t matter. If something hurts you stop it.
Period.
I don’t know. Am I wrong to think that polyamory can produce sound, happy relationships where every one involved has their needs met? I won’t define what those needs are. That’s an impossibility, but certainly 1x+2x can equal joy.
You can change the math, but the end result should be the same.
Joy and satisfaction.
© 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
ONE
I don’t think we always know the reality of our interactions. Some people stop listening to the other and soon assumptions are made. These assumptions can become fact to a person to such a degree that the assumption becomes the reality and a person forces another into the assumed reality, no matter what the other says, no matter what is the actual reality of the interaction.
We can simply say this is the breakdown of communication. But I think it’s more than that. I think this is the culmination of past pain, past interactions within the one relationship and the pattern of other separate relationships, romantic or not, feeding into what is being labeled as the reality of the current interaction.
Many relationships breakdown because of this. I do think though that the action is most often subconscious.
People haven’t mitigated their pain, haven’t confronted their issues so they bring them into the next relationship. They may have set those problems aside, long enough to find the happiness within the new relationship. Hormones, love, sex, new energy and the hope of something better and different make new relationships tasty, appealing, alluring, even addictive.
I recall being with my ex for the first time. I thought I loved her. I thought being with her would save me from the life I had. I believed I could run away from my problems through her and create something separate and beautiful at the same time.
And for a while I did. For a while things were good. I was exploring my sexuality, creating a new existence and a whole new reality. My twenty three year old self was finding her way, shedding childhood ways, moving out and becoming what I thought was a grown up.
Unfortunately I ran without looking back or looking forward. I didn’t bother to leave certain things behind. They trailed along with me, clattering like newlywed cans, but I didn’t hear the din over my expectations. I ran and ran and smacked right into a wall.
That hurt, a lot.
I spent the next few years fixing me though. I started paying attention to my actual reality, not the layered ones that made me think every thing was all right. I paid full attention and worked on many aspects of myself and I can say with surety that I have truly grown and I have truly conquered some of my past.
I can also say with complete surety that I have a long way to go.
I don’t plan to stop growing. I don’t plan to stop becoming me because there is so much to learn. There are so many lessons I have to retrace. There are even some things that I have to unlearn. But I think the best thing I have done is the releasing of accountability from others, even my ex.
You know I think my ex is a total bitch. I think she has a lot of issues. I think she will work them out on her own time, in her own way. I know that she couldn’t with me because I wasn’t the right catalyst and vice versa. The both of us were painting assumptions on everything, not allowing the other to grow and make their way to becoming what we should have been so many years ago.
We were obstacles to each other. We were not right for each other and quite frankly I’m tired of blaming her for the woes during that part of my life because I’m responsible for me, always. And I was involved in my own pain, my own lack of growth. I was and am an accessory to who I am. I always have been and anyone who thinks they are not responsible for their own lives are idiots. They are fooling themselves. They are children living in bigger bodies.
Yes, things can happen to us. If I am shot dead I’m not responsible for that unless it was my hand that pulled the trigger. But our daily interactions are driven by us. We react and interact by our own choice, by the power of our own wills. If we choose to give in, it’s still a choice we made. We choose to live the way we do each and every day.
No lie.
And no blaming others. You are responsible for you. You are the maker of your own path. In the average life no one is a martyr, no one deserves less or more, no one is good or bad, no one is better or worse.
Relationships are really puzzle pieces that don’t fit or do fit. You can force it all you want, but it’s nobody’s fault if it doesn’t work. People might say “We’ve grown apart.” That may be true to a point, but you know pieces that are meant to be together grow together.
And there is nothing wrong with not fitting. There doesn’t have to be a bad guy or any blame.
Wow, I’ve only been talking about one on one relationships here. You can apply this to poly, though. You still have individual relationships within the whole. You still need to treat each one as though they were precious as a single relationship would be.
We are not excused from any of these ideas because we are poly. If anything, we have to hold truer to them because what we face in poly relationships is far more complex; the sheer numbers dictate it.
And no matter what, any kind of relationship starts with you. You should be your first project. You should be working on you. If you can get you balanced or at least some semblance of it then step by step, point by point, everything else will work out. Because you are the one, no matter how many.
We can simply say this is the breakdown of communication. But I think it’s more than that. I think this is the culmination of past pain, past interactions within the one relationship and the pattern of other separate relationships, romantic or not, feeding into what is being labeled as the reality of the current interaction.
Many relationships breakdown because of this. I do think though that the action is most often subconscious.
People haven’t mitigated their pain, haven’t confronted their issues so they bring them into the next relationship. They may have set those problems aside, long enough to find the happiness within the new relationship. Hormones, love, sex, new energy and the hope of something better and different make new relationships tasty, appealing, alluring, even addictive.
I recall being with my ex for the first time. I thought I loved her. I thought being with her would save me from the life I had. I believed I could run away from my problems through her and create something separate and beautiful at the same time.
And for a while I did. For a while things were good. I was exploring my sexuality, creating a new existence and a whole new reality. My twenty three year old self was finding her way, shedding childhood ways, moving out and becoming what I thought was a grown up.
Unfortunately I ran without looking back or looking forward. I didn’t bother to leave certain things behind. They trailed along with me, clattering like newlywed cans, but I didn’t hear the din over my expectations. I ran and ran and smacked right into a wall.
That hurt, a lot.
I spent the next few years fixing me though. I started paying attention to my actual reality, not the layered ones that made me think every thing was all right. I paid full attention and worked on many aspects of myself and I can say with surety that I have truly grown and I have truly conquered some of my past.
I can also say with complete surety that I have a long way to go.
I don’t plan to stop growing. I don’t plan to stop becoming me because there is so much to learn. There are so many lessons I have to retrace. There are even some things that I have to unlearn. But I think the best thing I have done is the releasing of accountability from others, even my ex.
You know I think my ex is a total bitch. I think she has a lot of issues. I think she will work them out on her own time, in her own way. I know that she couldn’t with me because I wasn’t the right catalyst and vice versa. The both of us were painting assumptions on everything, not allowing the other to grow and make their way to becoming what we should have been so many years ago.
We were obstacles to each other. We were not right for each other and quite frankly I’m tired of blaming her for the woes during that part of my life because I’m responsible for me, always. And I was involved in my own pain, my own lack of growth. I was and am an accessory to who I am. I always have been and anyone who thinks they are not responsible for their own lives are idiots. They are fooling themselves. They are children living in bigger bodies.
Yes, things can happen to us. If I am shot dead I’m not responsible for that unless it was my hand that pulled the trigger. But our daily interactions are driven by us. We react and interact by our own choice, by the power of our own wills. If we choose to give in, it’s still a choice we made. We choose to live the way we do each and every day.
No lie.
And no blaming others. You are responsible for you. You are the maker of your own path. In the average life no one is a martyr, no one deserves less or more, no one is good or bad, no one is better or worse.
Relationships are really puzzle pieces that don’t fit or do fit. You can force it all you want, but it’s nobody’s fault if it doesn’t work. People might say “We’ve grown apart.” That may be true to a point, but you know pieces that are meant to be together grow together.
And there is nothing wrong with not fitting. There doesn’t have to be a bad guy or any blame.
Wow, I’ve only been talking about one on one relationships here. You can apply this to poly, though. You still have individual relationships within the whole. You still need to treat each one as though they were precious as a single relationship would be.
We are not excused from any of these ideas because we are poly. If anything, we have to hold truer to them because what we face in poly relationships is far more complex; the sheer numbers dictate it.
And no matter what, any kind of relationship starts with you. You should be your first project. You should be working on you. If you can get you balanced or at least some semblance of it then step by step, point by point, everything else will work out. Because you are the one, no matter how many.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Why Not?
I have a friend who is trying for force herself to be poly. Her man, okay “Master” her “Owner” has told her it is a requirement of her submission. She really, really likes the guy and from what she says everything else about their relationship is perfect.
She asked me how I handle jealousy and knowing that my man is fucking someone else. I answered “Just like everyone else.”
I’m not sure that’s true though because yes poly folk get upset, angry, jealous, insecure, envious and everything that’s normal, but we don’t handle it the same. We handle it with the idea that the upset the angry, the jealousy and so forth is going to have a resolution. We are going to talk about it, hammer it out, get over it, find a way to deal with it.
Monogamist don’t. Well not on a day to day basis. I know my sister’s first husband cheated on her and she forgave him. It ruined their foundation of trust, but she dealt with it, moved on and tried to save the marriage. Polyamorists don’t own the market on forgive and forget, but then we would probably never have cheated. We would most likely be open about additional relationships.
Like this guy is doing.
This guy is telling my friend that he is poly and wants to remain so. He’s telling her that though he has no one else at the moment that he will have someone else later. He’s being honest right? He’s telling her up front his requirements. He’s not surprising her months into the relationship and he’s not cheating on her.
But said friend is flipping out. Said friend says she can’t imagine him going off to have sex with someone else while she waits for him at home. She doesn’t like the idea of sharing him and thinks she can’t handle it.
So I told her not to if she doesn’t want to. I told her this might not be the relationship for her. But of course, she’s not listening. She wants to be with this man no matter what.
So what do you do when you see a train wreck about to happen?
I’ve seen a lot of those. I’ve seen a lot of people make bad decisions. I’ve seen couples lie to each other (and themselves), pretend they were more in love than they were, and betray each other without the other having known it.
And I’ve stayed quiet.
When I was younger I would have said something. I did. I lost that friend because she worked it out with her boyfriend and now I was the bad guy for having said anything and maybe she was a little ashamed for having gone back to the one who hurt her. I’m not sure.
I just know that when it comes to relationships you don’t give advice unless it’s asked for and even when I do, I give it in such a way that allows the person to make the choice.
Man apply that to your poly relationship. Apply that to person one coming to you about person two. You both do person two. You can’t tell person one what to do and you can’t tell person two what person one just said.
Talk about a rock and hard place.
But again, you have to be quiet. You can’t pass on the information because now you look like you might be trying to break them up. That pits them against you when all you’re doing is trying to help.
But you’re not because when it comes to relationships people do what they want. They don’t listen to reason. People may come to you with the idea that they want logic, but more often than not people follow their hearts and fuck what logic dictates.
If you find yourself in the middle of such a thing, try to be a good listener, if you can handle hearing it. Encourage them to do what they feel is right. Tell them you’ll support them. And really that’s all you can do, if you can do it at all.
Me? I would stay away from being the confidant of your lover’s lover. It may seem like a good idea at first. You may feel obligated. You may even think it’s harmless, but you know I don’t think it really is.
I think you choose sides even when you don’t want to. I think it forces you to withhold pertinent knowledge from your lover and your friend. I think it’s actually a selfish act to put someone in the position where their loyalties can be divided.
You know it may be hard to put your foot down, but you should because you don’t need to be in the middle of what is essentially their fight, their relationship and their issues.
Dragging you into their problems will force you to choose one over the other no matter what. And you lose on either side you land on. You betray one or the other and now their fight becomes your fight.
Or worse you become the mediator.
A secondary caught in the middle of the Primaries fight sucks, it sucks ASS. It’s beyond draining and it’s not fucking fair for anyone in the poly unit to do that to someone else, no matter what the combination of secondary to primary is.
You know I’m not talking about John leaving the butter out and Sarah coming to you because she’s pissed about it. That’s going to happen. I’m talking about the big things, the kind of things that create more than turbulence in a relationship, the kinds of things that can end relationships.
I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want anyone to say I had a hand in it directly or indirectly and I don’t want to end up losing respect for people I love in the process. It can happen you know, the loss of respect, the loss of love.
If you can manage being the shoulder to cry on then more power to you, but don’t feel obligated and don’t think you might not get hurt in the process. And don’t think being quiet is easier than saying “Stop, I can’t hear this.”
You know I’ve said I’ve seen a lot of train wrecks about to happen. I’ve seen a lot of relationship collide and destroy themselves. I’ve been hurt in them and I’ve hurt others, but if you see it coming, if you can get out of the way, then why not? Why not get the fuck out of the way and avoid a little head-on pain? Why I wonder, when logic dictates?
She asked me how I handle jealousy and knowing that my man is fucking someone else. I answered “Just like everyone else.”
I’m not sure that’s true though because yes poly folk get upset, angry, jealous, insecure, envious and everything that’s normal, but we don’t handle it the same. We handle it with the idea that the upset the angry, the jealousy and so forth is going to have a resolution. We are going to talk about it, hammer it out, get over it, find a way to deal with it.
Monogamist don’t. Well not on a day to day basis. I know my sister’s first husband cheated on her and she forgave him. It ruined their foundation of trust, but she dealt with it, moved on and tried to save the marriage. Polyamorists don’t own the market on forgive and forget, but then we would probably never have cheated. We would most likely be open about additional relationships.
Like this guy is doing.
This guy is telling my friend that he is poly and wants to remain so. He’s telling her that though he has no one else at the moment that he will have someone else later. He’s being honest right? He’s telling her up front his requirements. He’s not surprising her months into the relationship and he’s not cheating on her.
But said friend is flipping out. Said friend says she can’t imagine him going off to have sex with someone else while she waits for him at home. She doesn’t like the idea of sharing him and thinks she can’t handle it.
So I told her not to if she doesn’t want to. I told her this might not be the relationship for her. But of course, she’s not listening. She wants to be with this man no matter what.
So what do you do when you see a train wreck about to happen?
I’ve seen a lot of those. I’ve seen a lot of people make bad decisions. I’ve seen couples lie to each other (and themselves), pretend they were more in love than they were, and betray each other without the other having known it.
And I’ve stayed quiet.
When I was younger I would have said something. I did. I lost that friend because she worked it out with her boyfriend and now I was the bad guy for having said anything and maybe she was a little ashamed for having gone back to the one who hurt her. I’m not sure.
I just know that when it comes to relationships you don’t give advice unless it’s asked for and even when I do, I give it in such a way that allows the person to make the choice.
Man apply that to your poly relationship. Apply that to person one coming to you about person two. You both do person two. You can’t tell person one what to do and you can’t tell person two what person one just said.
Talk about a rock and hard place.
But again, you have to be quiet. You can’t pass on the information because now you look like you might be trying to break them up. That pits them against you when all you’re doing is trying to help.
But you’re not because when it comes to relationships people do what they want. They don’t listen to reason. People may come to you with the idea that they want logic, but more often than not people follow their hearts and fuck what logic dictates.
If you find yourself in the middle of such a thing, try to be a good listener, if you can handle hearing it. Encourage them to do what they feel is right. Tell them you’ll support them. And really that’s all you can do, if you can do it at all.
Me? I would stay away from being the confidant of your lover’s lover. It may seem like a good idea at first. You may feel obligated. You may even think it’s harmless, but you know I don’t think it really is.
I think you choose sides even when you don’t want to. I think it forces you to withhold pertinent knowledge from your lover and your friend. I think it’s actually a selfish act to put someone in the position where their loyalties can be divided.
You know it may be hard to put your foot down, but you should because you don’t need to be in the middle of what is essentially their fight, their relationship and their issues.
Dragging you into their problems will force you to choose one over the other no matter what. And you lose on either side you land on. You betray one or the other and now their fight becomes your fight.
Or worse you become the mediator.
A secondary caught in the middle of the Primaries fight sucks, it sucks ASS. It’s beyond draining and it’s not fucking fair for anyone in the poly unit to do that to someone else, no matter what the combination of secondary to primary is.
You know I’m not talking about John leaving the butter out and Sarah coming to you because she’s pissed about it. That’s going to happen. I’m talking about the big things, the kind of things that create more than turbulence in a relationship, the kinds of things that can end relationships.
I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want anyone to say I had a hand in it directly or indirectly and I don’t want to end up losing respect for people I love in the process. It can happen you know, the loss of respect, the loss of love.
If you can manage being the shoulder to cry on then more power to you, but don’t feel obligated and don’t think you might not get hurt in the process. And don’t think being quiet is easier than saying “Stop, I can’t hear this.”
You know I’ve said I’ve seen a lot of train wrecks about to happen. I’ve seen a lot of relationship collide and destroy themselves. I’ve been hurt in them and I’ve hurt others, but if you see it coming, if you can get out of the way, then why not? Why not get the fuck out of the way and avoid a little head-on pain? Why I wonder, when logic dictates?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Jealousy, Envy, Compersion, A Mish Mash of Thought.
Jealousy, envy and compersion…
It is generally agreed that jealousy happens, much like shit hitting the fan. There are times you can see it coming and maybe you can get out of the way. Sometimes, sometimes is flys out of no where.
I think a long time ago I felt a lot of what I thought of as jealousy. I see now that it was envy that I was feeling most of the time. I’m no saint, I’ve been jealous before.
But I learned though that there is a huge difference between jealousy and envy.
Jealousy is something that has the potential to destroy. It’s when someone wants what someone else has. They covet that possession to a degree that emotionally sets it apart from envy. Perhaps they will stop at nothing to have it or they will create problems for the one in possession.
Envy is a little different. It’s wanting what someone else has, but not feeling it to the degree that they’d act upon it. They want something like it, but not the exact thing that another person has. It can burn just like jealousy, but it doesn’t eat away at the person. It just sits and eventually cools.
Well, such things are easy to understand when say, you like your friends girlfriend. You can see the obvious boundary. He doesn’t share. She’s not yours, etc.
In poly though, um, you are sharing. You have access to your friend’s girlfriend. That girlfriend is your girlfriend, too.
In the latter case, jealousy and envy can seem closely knitted together. I would say though that the gut of both still hasn’t changed. Jealousy can move one to destroy a relationship. Envy is just wanting what someone else has without the emotional pressure to do something about it other than to look for your own piece of that universal joy.
But you know how does that work when two people have the same piece of pie? Can you have the same relationship with someone that someone else has with that same someone? Hmmm, that’s a little confusing. ( At least to me and I’m writing this shit.) So let me create some peoples.
Blam!!!!!!
Albert, Becky and Carl are a threesome. Albert and Becky met first; they are married. Carl comes along and joins the family. ( For reals, not that fake “sure you’re apart of the family” that some people dole out.) They all live together.
Carl loves Becky a great deal. Sometimes he wishes he were the one married to her. He thinks it might be nice to have that with her, but he won’t push it because he walked into the relationship fully understanding that Becky leaving Albert was the ultimate limit to what the three could have. Yet, Carl still dreams of it...
I’d call that envy.
Now for jealousy. ( This should be fun!!!)
Albert likes Carl. Carl’s a bit younger, maybe a little more fit. Big Al’s not packing the muscle like Carl is. Maybe Albert thinks Carl is funnier, smarter, maybe Carl makes more money than Albert. Who knows? Jealousy is weird. It picks anything to freak over and sometimes it freaks over the silliest of things. Maybe Albert is intimated because Carl is blonde…
Anyway, Albert hates to leave Carl alone with Becky. He promises them time, but he always comes home early or has to break the date. He’s constantly manipulating the situation and using his power to get what he wants.
Becky is upset but she doesn’t know what to do. She just wants to have some quality time with Carl, that’s all. She loves Albert and she would never leave him. She’d like to love Carl the same way, but Albert won’t seem to let it.
Carl is at a loss. He cares for both Albert and Becky. He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize their marriage, but then he wants to have some time with Becky. Albert is married to Becky, she sleeps in his bed every night, they have had 10 years together, what more does he want?
Albert has let his insecurities take over and he’s not playing nice. He’s tossing his weight around and holding Becky and Carl emotionally hostage. Neither Becky nor Carl want to upset Albert to the point he wants to back out on this, but they want to be happy, too.
Okay so this isn’t Danielle Steel material, but you know a lot of poly jealousy is like this. It’s very covert at times. In this scenario Albert is creating animosity and manipulating the situation. He is constantly forcing Becky to choose him over Carl. He is making both of them feel his “primary power”. In the end, this is going to build resentment. It’s going to harm the relationships, all of them, A to B, B to C, A to C.
And it’s going to prevent compersion.
Ah, compersion. That’s such a soft fluffy word.
If Albert and Carl hit it off, if the two of them give each other respect and space and the most precious of all things, time with their lovers they will build compersion. They will be happy to see the other happy with Becky. They won’t feel cheated of anything so they won’t mind seeing the other one cuddled up on the couch watching TV.
I mean, in the icky situation do you see Carl smiling happily while Albert cuddles up to Becky? He didn’t get his night with her. He hasn’t had any quality time. I doubt he will smile a wit that isn’t filled with “Albert you suck.”
Yeah, I made Albert the bad guy. This blog is for secondaries after all.. We can all go find a page written form the primary view that is full of fears of what Carl may do. I say fuck Albert he’s an ass. J
But you get what I’m touching on right?
Maybe not because I haven’t really made a point yet. Let’s see if I can sum it up.
Jealousy and envy are different.
Jealousy bad.
Envy good. ( Well, okay.)
If you allow jealousy to run you, you can destroy your relationships.
Actively acting on jealousy hampers compersion.
Compersion is the goal for happy poly.
If you don’t confront jealousy it will make things hard. Face it, communicate it, deal with it, move on.
Oh, if it were only that easy.
Oh shit!!! I forgot, Can you have the same relationship??? Can Albert have the same thing with Becky that Carl has and vice versa?
Hell no. Each combination has its own dynamic and personality. Each person brings their own experience, creativity, joy, and baggage to their relationships. I’ve got leopard print luggage. You have a mish mash of JC Penny discards. We carry our sets on the flight and we have our own unique parade of wheeled luggage. Albert has moss green luggage that looks like birds shit on it. Not the same, totally not the same.
And you should be proud of it, proud of what you can offer not upset about what you can’t.
Gosh, maybe I should think about outlines.
It is generally agreed that jealousy happens, much like shit hitting the fan. There are times you can see it coming and maybe you can get out of the way. Sometimes, sometimes is flys out of no where.
I think a long time ago I felt a lot of what I thought of as jealousy. I see now that it was envy that I was feeling most of the time. I’m no saint, I’ve been jealous before.
But I learned though that there is a huge difference between jealousy and envy.
Jealousy is something that has the potential to destroy. It’s when someone wants what someone else has. They covet that possession to a degree that emotionally sets it apart from envy. Perhaps they will stop at nothing to have it or they will create problems for the one in possession.
Envy is a little different. It’s wanting what someone else has, but not feeling it to the degree that they’d act upon it. They want something like it, but not the exact thing that another person has. It can burn just like jealousy, but it doesn’t eat away at the person. It just sits and eventually cools.
Well, such things are easy to understand when say, you like your friends girlfriend. You can see the obvious boundary. He doesn’t share. She’s not yours, etc.
In poly though, um, you are sharing. You have access to your friend’s girlfriend. That girlfriend is your girlfriend, too.
In the latter case, jealousy and envy can seem closely knitted together. I would say though that the gut of both still hasn’t changed. Jealousy can move one to destroy a relationship. Envy is just wanting what someone else has without the emotional pressure to do something about it other than to look for your own piece of that universal joy.
But you know how does that work when two people have the same piece of pie? Can you have the same relationship with someone that someone else has with that same someone? Hmmm, that’s a little confusing. ( At least to me and I’m writing this shit.) So let me create some peoples.
Blam!!!!!!
Albert, Becky and Carl are a threesome. Albert and Becky met first; they are married. Carl comes along and joins the family. ( For reals, not that fake “sure you’re apart of the family” that some people dole out.) They all live together.
Carl loves Becky a great deal. Sometimes he wishes he were the one married to her. He thinks it might be nice to have that with her, but he won’t push it because he walked into the relationship fully understanding that Becky leaving Albert was the ultimate limit to what the three could have. Yet, Carl still dreams of it...
I’d call that envy.
Now for jealousy. ( This should be fun!!!)
Albert likes Carl. Carl’s a bit younger, maybe a little more fit. Big Al’s not packing the muscle like Carl is. Maybe Albert thinks Carl is funnier, smarter, maybe Carl makes more money than Albert. Who knows? Jealousy is weird. It picks anything to freak over and sometimes it freaks over the silliest of things. Maybe Albert is intimated because Carl is blonde…
Anyway, Albert hates to leave Carl alone with Becky. He promises them time, but he always comes home early or has to break the date. He’s constantly manipulating the situation and using his power to get what he wants.
Becky is upset but she doesn’t know what to do. She just wants to have some quality time with Carl, that’s all. She loves Albert and she would never leave him. She’d like to love Carl the same way, but Albert won’t seem to let it.
Carl is at a loss. He cares for both Albert and Becky. He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize their marriage, but then he wants to have some time with Becky. Albert is married to Becky, she sleeps in his bed every night, they have had 10 years together, what more does he want?
Albert has let his insecurities take over and he’s not playing nice. He’s tossing his weight around and holding Becky and Carl emotionally hostage. Neither Becky nor Carl want to upset Albert to the point he wants to back out on this, but they want to be happy, too.
Okay so this isn’t Danielle Steel material, but you know a lot of poly jealousy is like this. It’s very covert at times. In this scenario Albert is creating animosity and manipulating the situation. He is constantly forcing Becky to choose him over Carl. He is making both of them feel his “primary power”. In the end, this is going to build resentment. It’s going to harm the relationships, all of them, A to B, B to C, A to C.
And it’s going to prevent compersion.
Ah, compersion. That’s such a soft fluffy word.
If Albert and Carl hit it off, if the two of them give each other respect and space and the most precious of all things, time with their lovers they will build compersion. They will be happy to see the other happy with Becky. They won’t feel cheated of anything so they won’t mind seeing the other one cuddled up on the couch watching TV.
I mean, in the icky situation do you see Carl smiling happily while Albert cuddles up to Becky? He didn’t get his night with her. He hasn’t had any quality time. I doubt he will smile a wit that isn’t filled with “Albert you suck.”
Yeah, I made Albert the bad guy. This blog is for secondaries after all.. We can all go find a page written form the primary view that is full of fears of what Carl may do. I say fuck Albert he’s an ass. J
But you get what I’m touching on right?
Maybe not because I haven’t really made a point yet. Let’s see if I can sum it up.
Jealousy and envy are different.
Jealousy bad.
Envy good. ( Well, okay.)
If you allow jealousy to run you, you can destroy your relationships.
Actively acting on jealousy hampers compersion.
Compersion is the goal for happy poly.
If you don’t confront jealousy it will make things hard. Face it, communicate it, deal with it, move on.
Oh, if it were only that easy.
Oh shit!!! I forgot, Can you have the same relationship??? Can Albert have the same thing with Becky that Carl has and vice versa?
Hell no. Each combination has its own dynamic and personality. Each person brings their own experience, creativity, joy, and baggage to their relationships. I’ve got leopard print luggage. You have a mish mash of JC Penny discards. We carry our sets on the flight and we have our own unique parade of wheeled luggage. Albert has moss green luggage that looks like birds shit on it. Not the same, totally not the same.
And you should be proud of it, proud of what you can offer not upset about what you can’t.
Gosh, maybe I should think about outlines.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Blame
Communication is the key to any successful polyamorous relationship. I think everybody knows that. We also know that there is a big difference between knowing and doing. But you know what we never really talk about?
How do you know if honest communication is really occurring?
I’m not trying to set off alarm bells and create a panic within stable relationships, but I wonder if the unstable ones who do have meetings and do think they are talking yet are still having problems actually think about the aspect that someone might be holding back?
And even if you know it, can you stop someone from keeping it all inside?
I don’t think you can really do anything about it when that person is hell bent on keeping things to themselves. The person may think they are being noble, going with the flow or that person may be afraid of confrontation. They may not have the energy to deal with the explosion their comments may cause.
Then again, people often create the illusion of confrontation based on their own fears or how they might react to those comments if directed at them. ( I think that’s called projection and some people do it without realizing it.)
I can say without a doubt that honest communication sometimes hurts. It’s hard to hear that you’re doing something that hurts another and it’s hard to confront the person who is hurting you. It’s hard because most of us are into blame.
You know, I expect people to take responsibility for their actions, but I don’t expect them to take blame every time their actions create a problem. Um, does that make any sense?
I suppose to me, blame is something you get when you intentionally held back needed information or caused a problem; you give it when something is intentionally done to you. I don’t think there should be blame in a case where actions or rather consequences of those actions were unintentional.
I don’t think many people make a distinction between the two and some people always assume their will be blame and because of that they stop being honest. When the honesty stops then bad stuff happens.
Assuming that there is going to be blame also creates a fear in communication.
An “accuser” and a “criminal” is created. Yeah, “criminal” is probably too harsh to the ear, but think of how one might feel in such a situation. If someone is assuming they are being accused they are offended and may react as though the “accuser” is well, accusing them.
In any case the situation creates animosity and sometimes the person in the wrong will blow up at the “accuser” rather than accept responsibility for what they did. When this happens things don’t really get resolved and if it happens enough communication breaks down.
I know I’ve been guilty of holding things back just because I didn’t want to deal with the possible aftermath of my honesty. I’m sure there are many of us who have done the same.
So, now we have a problem, fear in communication. But what do we do about it?
Shoot, all I can really say is communicate honestly.
If you really want the relationships to work that is all you can do. If you don’t follow through on honest communication you are accepting the drama the lack of honest communication creates and in the long run you are basically saying you’re okay if the relationship ends.
Think about it.
If you are holding your feelings in on a regular basis sooner or later you’re going to snap. The desire to keep the relationship going will dissipate. Every thing will become too much to deal with. All the “little things” will become big things because you failed to communicate your needs; people can’t change if you don’t tell them they are hurting you.
Or maybe you wait until the resentment has built up and by the time you’re ready to communicate honestly the information isn’t delivered in a communicative matter. Maybe now it is all accusation. Maybe now we are laying blame and hading out bitter honesty that is hard to stomach.
And do you think that wrongful party wants to be treated like a criminal? I think people would rather be tapped on the shoulder than batted on the head. If one waits too long to express their issues that’s what it can feel like to the receiving party. And I think the wrongful party would have liked to been told much, much earlier? (Who do you blame for that? )
At this point if the “accuser” is super miffed the so called “criminal” is probably super miffed as well. Now things are too complicated because we have a two way street on of anger, resentment, and so forth. It’s hard to rummage through this pile to see who may have been wrong.
Umm, but do we really need to find the wrongful party at this point? If you want the relationship to move on do we really need to put people in roles of accusers and the blamed? Do we have to have a right and wrong? Can’t we just say I have been hurt by this and could you please stop doing it? Don’t we still have a chance to communicate things and try to work things out?
We do, but this only works if the desire is there. There has to be a common goal. Sometimes that hidden common goal is the end of the relationship. Sometimes people set that reality aside. Who knows why really, fear of ending the relationship? A small hope that things might get better? Perhaps there is guilt in wanting to leave someone you’ve loved?
Who knows, who knows, who knows…
It’s almost funny how people love to blame, but don’t want to be blamed. We want to point, but not be pointed at. Why?
It’s a circle really. It’s all about how we interact, how we sometimes want to avoid certain issues because they are too hard.
I don’t wanna!!!!!
Can you hear the whine in that?
Fear leads to so much. Blame is highly destructive. Lack of communication silently wreaks havoc.
We can stop this particular cycle if we want to. If we don’t, we really only have ourselves to blame.
How do you know if honest communication is really occurring?
I’m not trying to set off alarm bells and create a panic within stable relationships, but I wonder if the unstable ones who do have meetings and do think they are talking yet are still having problems actually think about the aspect that someone might be holding back?
And even if you know it, can you stop someone from keeping it all inside?
I don’t think you can really do anything about it when that person is hell bent on keeping things to themselves. The person may think they are being noble, going with the flow or that person may be afraid of confrontation. They may not have the energy to deal with the explosion their comments may cause.
Then again, people often create the illusion of confrontation based on their own fears or how they might react to those comments if directed at them. ( I think that’s called projection and some people do it without realizing it.)
I can say without a doubt that honest communication sometimes hurts. It’s hard to hear that you’re doing something that hurts another and it’s hard to confront the person who is hurting you. It’s hard because most of us are into blame.
You know, I expect people to take responsibility for their actions, but I don’t expect them to take blame every time their actions create a problem. Um, does that make any sense?
I suppose to me, blame is something you get when you intentionally held back needed information or caused a problem; you give it when something is intentionally done to you. I don’t think there should be blame in a case where actions or rather consequences of those actions were unintentional.
I don’t think many people make a distinction between the two and some people always assume their will be blame and because of that they stop being honest. When the honesty stops then bad stuff happens.
Assuming that there is going to be blame also creates a fear in communication.
An “accuser” and a “criminal” is created. Yeah, “criminal” is probably too harsh to the ear, but think of how one might feel in such a situation. If someone is assuming they are being accused they are offended and may react as though the “accuser” is well, accusing them.
In any case the situation creates animosity and sometimes the person in the wrong will blow up at the “accuser” rather than accept responsibility for what they did. When this happens things don’t really get resolved and if it happens enough communication breaks down.
I know I’ve been guilty of holding things back just because I didn’t want to deal with the possible aftermath of my honesty. I’m sure there are many of us who have done the same.
So, now we have a problem, fear in communication. But what do we do about it?
Shoot, all I can really say is communicate honestly.
If you really want the relationships to work that is all you can do. If you don’t follow through on honest communication you are accepting the drama the lack of honest communication creates and in the long run you are basically saying you’re okay if the relationship ends.
Think about it.
If you are holding your feelings in on a regular basis sooner or later you’re going to snap. The desire to keep the relationship going will dissipate. Every thing will become too much to deal with. All the “little things” will become big things because you failed to communicate your needs; people can’t change if you don’t tell them they are hurting you.
Or maybe you wait until the resentment has built up and by the time you’re ready to communicate honestly the information isn’t delivered in a communicative matter. Maybe now it is all accusation. Maybe now we are laying blame and hading out bitter honesty that is hard to stomach.
And do you think that wrongful party wants to be treated like a criminal? I think people would rather be tapped on the shoulder than batted on the head. If one waits too long to express their issues that’s what it can feel like to the receiving party. And I think the wrongful party would have liked to been told much, much earlier? (Who do you blame for that? )
At this point if the “accuser” is super miffed the so called “criminal” is probably super miffed as well. Now things are too complicated because we have a two way street on of anger, resentment, and so forth. It’s hard to rummage through this pile to see who may have been wrong.
Umm, but do we really need to find the wrongful party at this point? If you want the relationship to move on do we really need to put people in roles of accusers and the blamed? Do we have to have a right and wrong? Can’t we just say I have been hurt by this and could you please stop doing it? Don’t we still have a chance to communicate things and try to work things out?
We do, but this only works if the desire is there. There has to be a common goal. Sometimes that hidden common goal is the end of the relationship. Sometimes people set that reality aside. Who knows why really, fear of ending the relationship? A small hope that things might get better? Perhaps there is guilt in wanting to leave someone you’ve loved?
Who knows, who knows, who knows…
It’s almost funny how people love to blame, but don’t want to be blamed. We want to point, but not be pointed at. Why?
It’s a circle really. It’s all about how we interact, how we sometimes want to avoid certain issues because they are too hard.
I don’t wanna!!!!!
Can you hear the whine in that?
Fear leads to so much. Blame is highly destructive. Lack of communication silently wreaks havoc.
We can stop this particular cycle if we want to. If we don’t, we really only have ourselves to blame.
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