Fidelity and Doing Whatcha' Don't Wanna.

Poly-Fidelity….does there really need to be a separate term for this?

I’ve used it before to designate that my Poly Circle is closed and isn’t a string of casual relationships and to underscore we’re not Swingers. However….when I think about it, why do I have to point that out at all?

Well, one reason is that POLYAMORY means…..so many damned things. Your definition may be different from mine. You may put Swingers into the Poly category or you may not. You may say that having the occasional threesome is Poly and well….you get the picture, right? There is no ONE WAY to be Poly so one might feel the need to clarify, especially when asking someone to join in their style of poly.

Another reason, the assumption by many is that Polyamory doesn’t include fidelity. There’s this idea that once you allow one person in, you’ll allow just about anyone who suits your fancy in. That’s true for some, but not for all. So, again one might find the need to clarify, especially when talking to someone who is clueless as to what Poly may or may not be.

So there are reasons to have the term, but…I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling compelled to have to defend anything, especially from possible accusation. However, on the Nets if you don’t toss out something, there is always some dumbass ready to start trouble by projecting their own experience onto you. This can start discussion or hamper it depending on how anal or trollish the person is. So, gain….reasons, reasons, reasons…

Which kind of brings me to a point, sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do or feel we need to do because in the end it’s easier to do it rather than not.

What could those things be…..Hmmm?

1) Calling to ask if you can go out to dinner when out with the OSO.

If you’re out and it’s your time, it’s your time right? I’ve had to do this in the past and didn’t like it, but then there was an occasion where I made dinner and didn’t like that when he got home, he’d already eaten. I would have liked a call….not exactly so I could give permission for them to eat out, but so that I would have known and saved my time cooking a meal for three.

2) Checking In.

I know of a couple where one has to check in when they are visiting their OSO. They have to call at some point in the night and say “I’m alive.” or something along those lines. They did not like this, but it made the wife feel better and after a while she stopped asking him to do it.
If he had argued over this, I think it would have caused more insecurity than needed. So, much easier to do it than not, right?

Now these tend to be from a “Primary to Primary” point of view. This is where the “Secondary” can sometimes get shafted. We all have a lot of concern for the Primaries feelings because they are the ones letting someone into their sacred monogamous relationship potentially destroying it by making the wrong choices…yada, yada, yada….Let’s not forget the sacrifice of the Secondary…

● No Primary relationship to show off to friends and family.
● The concept that he/she is in fact Secondary in the first place.
● The lack of automatic protections in case of a married couple.
● The hardship of being the one constantly scrutinized and being put threw approval processes by TWO (or more) people in order to have a relationship.
● Living under the fear of the dreaded VETO.

That’s only to name a few. Let’s not forget that however much restless insecurity is running around the Primary Mind, the Secondary is going through just as much of it. DO NOT FUCK IT UP, by being selfish in this category. Your lack of understanding will cause problems as the relationship progresses.

So…turn those two examples around and put the Secondary as the one who is concerned. The same issues can happen. Maybe you shouldn’t eat before going over because the Secondary is making dinner for you….Maybe you should call a few extra times when you’ll be away from the Secondary, a check in to remind them that they are in fact in your thoughts.

And while we brought up the word “Fidelity” let’s also remember it can mean “ strict observance of promises, duties, etc.” not just “loyalty”. You can apply Fidelty to all those things you might not think is important because maybe they are important in the bigger picture. And adhering to them will make things run smoothly and quite frankly in a healthy relationship, all the STRICT, seemingly STUPID RULES tend to wane in importance to all involved and there’s more of a relaxed atmosphere.

That’s the goal, I think…comfort in Polyamory, when words, and concepts are just that and you’re following your heart, happy with your relationships. It takes time, it takes practice, it initially takes a lot of defining before it is self-defined and has no need for anyone to nit-pick.

Ahhhh, feels good like two plop, plop, fizz, fizzes……oh yeah, never forget to continue to COMMUNICATE. Yay, I got it in!!!