Be Ready

They’re staying in.

Your lover is in the living room spending some time with his girl. You know they are; it’s no surprise. You understand they want some alone time, but the house is only so big. You’re in a shared room, feeling lost, maybe locked up and put away. It’s not your turn and you don’t like it…

Totally not uncommon.

Some people seem to think that being poly means you don’t ever feel jealous or set aside. Some poly folk think they are somehow more open, more confident and living at a higher level of spirituality because they can love many.

We all love many. Not every one fucks many. ( setting aside the intricacies of love)

Polyamory is not better than Monogamy. They are simply two different lifestyles and each of us chooses what suits us best. Sometimes we even fall into them.

Fall into Monogamy?

You can be poly then stop. You broke up with someone. He broke up with someone whatever happened happened and you find yourself a two person relationship and living monogamous even if you aren’t monogamous.

Anyway, that’s an aside. Let me try to travel back to what I was getting at. Oh yeah, not being perfect in Polyamory.

First, if I can add a first way the hell down here….First, know that there is no perfection in Polyamory. There is rarely perfection anywhere. So why do you think it exists here?

Don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

I know there are people out there who will tell you to stuff your feelings away because they don’t want to deal with it. I’ve seen it happen a lot in the BDSM conclave, for instance. A master will tell a submissive that they just have to deal with it.

Uh, wrong idea.

Deal with it. NOW, not later, not when one of you is crying their eyes out, certainly not when they end up leaving the relationship.

Hmm, I guess in some cases no one cares or getting the person to leave was the intention. It happens intentionally as well as accidentally. Unfortunately, not all relationships are created equally in the honesty department.

I don't know...maybe my concept of poly is very Pollyanna. I have this concept that you find people, get to know them, bring them in, treat them with respect, keep them happy, they keep you happy, you communicate and life is good because you make it good.

I guess in that sense there is some kind of perfection. When all the bad is outweighed by the all of the good.

So, you’re imperfect. I’m imperfect. (Yeah, I know. I barely believe it, either.)

We get jealous. We feel envy. We want more than what we got. We sometimes think life is unfair. We pout. We get hurt, etc.

Sometimes we are even surprised that we feel these things because 10 minutes ago we were fine.

Never think you know exactly what’s going to set you off. Don’t think just because it was fine last week means it’s perfectly fine this week.

I know you think I’m talking about PMS. But no guys, I’m talking to you to.

Our perceptions are molded by environment.

Last week I got a promotion. I lost five pounds. My friend finally paid me back. I found the Million Dollar Man on Nick at Night. I had a fucking awesome week!!!! I was totally cool with everything everyone else wanted!!!

This week? I got a flat tire. That check I got from my friend? It got shredded in the wash and I know the cheap bastard won't put pen to paper like that again. The Million Dollar Man was only on for only that one night and I don’t have enough cash to pay the bills.

Suddenly that thing I was okay with last week seems a little much. I don’t want you going to another movie with him two weeks in a row….I need you here and I can’t handle the thought you want to go.

You get what I’m saying right? Maybe you don’t even know why you’re pissy about things. You just know you are. Feelings can take you by surprise not just for everyone around you, but for you, too.

So be prepared for it. I know you can't be prepared for any specific instance, but you can roll the concept around and be ready to deal when shit falls in your lap.

Hmm, maybe I should work on the feces references...

Okay, so far this talks about reacting to things and coming to the realization that you can’t always control your feelings. No one should live in fear of them, but everyone needs to understand that emotions are dynamic, even feelings about the same fucking thing.

So, we know that. How do we deal with it?

Let’s see.

I’m alone in the room and you are out in the living room with your lover. I don’t want it. I’m antsy about it, but I promised it and the two of you don’t want to give up the time because this is really the only time you’ll have in a while.

Solved.

The circumstance dictates I deal with it. If their scheduled allowed more occasions, maybe this time they give it up and I get my way. But that’s not the case. I give up what I want.

Is that fair?

You may not see it as fair in this particular situation. You may handle it differently. As long as all agree, you can do whatever. Overall though, I may have gotten my way many, many times and I can’t always have my way. Tough fact for some, but true.

You know there is something that can be done to ease things on me.

I have a kinky friend who sets a timer. Her hubby agrees that he will scene for only X amount of time. He sets the time to go off a few minutes before so he doesn’t go over that time. Basically in my scenario I can say you can have your alone time, but can it be only for X amount of time.

Hey, that might be compromise. What about that? Sheeee-it. Compromise?

That is entirely too awesome.

However, there won’t always be compromise. Sometimes you might have to bite the bullet, but that’s okay and that’s probably the hardest parts of Polyamory:

Sharing when you don’t really want to...

Giving when you don't want to...

Setting aside your needs when you feel you really can't.

It's hard. Don't beat yourself up if you falter. Recognize that you may not be capable of perfect Polyamory. Be ready to think of how you can deal with it. Think of compromises. Think of the overall big picture. Be prepared, be on mental standby, do your damnedest to deal with the situation, even when it hurts.

Sometimes you have to take one for the team. If all is well, they'll do the same for you and you'll find yourself in the circle of love you hoped Polyamory was defined by.

© 2010