Jealousy and Other News

“I couldn’t be poly because I get jealous. I’m so amazed that you can do that.”

I smiled. “I do get jealous.”

My friend seemed shocked that jealousy occurs in polyamory. She is one of the few people who know about me and my lifestyle and all this time she thought I was of some higher form of being. Not get jealous? Really?


It amazes me that many people seem to think that not getting jealous is a requirement of polyamory. It’s not. Successful poly isn’t about repressing emotion, but learning to deal with them in a healthy manner. That more than anything brings us to a higher plane of being.


But anyone can learn to deal with life better than how they are right now.


Recent months has seen my life change a lot. There have been some major, major things afoot and some minor ones to boot. Polyamory has been the last thing on the list and so has this blog.


One, the major thing about this blog has seriously changed.


Me.


I have written a post for this blog several times wanting to explain the major changes in my life. I worried again and again how it would come across, how would you perceive it and would you listen to me afterward. You know I once told someone or tried to tell someone covertly that they didn’t need to carry the Poly flag, that they should let the relationship go and move on. Stop trying to save something you can’t.

They didn’t listen because they couldn’t hear or see. They were too caught up in their own world to look outside themselves. This is often the case in times of stress.

Anyway, so the big news? You guessed it. John and I are a twosome. Kate and he divorced and she is off with Sluggo... whatever the hell was I calling him? It’s been in the works for ages. Wayne finally moved in with me last year. It was a trial by fire and in the end it’s working out for the best because no one should keep something going that needs to end. It’s not healthy for anyone. It just causes more pain and more pain in one’s life is not needed.

One day, when I’m ready, I might post those several entries I didn’t post about this subject. I just wanted you to know that we’re living monogamously at the moment, but plan to remain poly.

So, I’ll be a second become primary. I hope that makes me a really, really good primary. I hope so because I’ll know what it’s like to enter into an established household.



So back to this jealousy thing.



I told my friend that jealousy happens all of the time. It’s a given. I told her you can’t control how you feel about things. Jealousy occurs out of no where and can be very strong at times. The key difference is that poly folk know that their lovers have someone else. So there is no betrayal involved, at least not in the cheating sense.

But there can be a sense of territory over say, a certain restaurant, a special way of doing something. I recall a certain sexual toy being reserved for just one of us, but not the other. (Not a vibe so get your bio-germ selves out of a hissy of “Of Course”).

The latter was easy to deal with. It was negotiated that the toy was meant for one person and no one else. It’s the surprises that catch you off guard and can cause a lot of drama in the household.

I know of a friend who loved a particular restaurant. She went there all of the time with her lover. Then one day they stopped going. She just got tired of it. Months passed and this woman and her lover hadn’t gone in over a year. The lover took another woman to that same restaurant. My friend threw a fit of epic proportions. “That’s our place!!!!!!!” There was this big fight, a what-to-do-pow-wow and finally it all got settled.

Funny thing about that, is that my friend has yet to go back to that restaurant. She’s still bored with it and now she thinks she’s silly for her reaction, but at the time it seemed legitimate.


All jealousy seems legitimate and reasonable at the time. It really fucking does.


In terms of monogamy, we can possibly get jealous and move on. It may not be right to do so, but the monogamous couple only has each other in mind. Poly is different. We have to look at all involved as fairly as we can and those of us having the jealous reaction really have to ask why and was it a knee-jerk reaction that we can get over? I mean should my friend bar her lover from ever gong to that restaurant with someone else? Is that really fair? Is that where she wants to lay down her gauntlet?

What’s worth fighting over? What’s worth digging in our heels for?

Some of the things we fight over are petty. Some are not. I think we all have to think hard as to what is and isn’t worth creating chaos in the house for. Are those feelings really worth it? And probably the real question is this:


What is the real problem?


I don’t think my friend was really worried about the restaurant. She may have been worried that her lover was getting closer to his new girl. Her insecurity surfaced from the restaurant deal, but my guesses are they would have surfaced somewhere else.

My friend took the time to think about her reaction. Her lover took the time to listen and not ridicule her feelings. (He thought it was stupid of her.) The two of them communicated then the three of them communicated and it worked out.

So the next time something happens think beyond the incident, think beyond the surface. Jealousy usually has more depth that which movie was seen or which restaurant was gone too.






P.S. If you want to ask me anything about anything, just e-mail me.